So seven days into 2013 and I have not followed through with blogging every day and I supposed that’s okay. I feel like I have hit a cross road when it comes to this website. Blogging and writing is not something I’m going to give up anytime soon, but I have hit a cross road on where I want to take this blog. Let’s be honest for one moment and acknowledge the fact that I started Sarahmarkham.com (what this site was formally called until I got married) for the soul purpose of writing a story. I can sit here and lie to all of you that I started the website to document my life in college and my life thereafter and so forth and so forth but the truth – that’s a bunch of bullshit. I started it to write the story of Affair of the Mind, and now that Affair of the Mind is done in real time (not so much in story book time) – I don’t know what to do with my place on the world wide web. I’m not the dramatic girl who has secrets, lies and a fucked up story to tell any more. I don’t hang out with Jared anymore (hell I don’t hang out with ANYBODY anymore from that part of the novel). I’m not Ann Mathews. I’m Sarah and I don’t know what to do about that.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where I want to take this blog. So bare with me while I figure that out. Of course it’ll still be a documentation of my life, but do I want to do more political stuff? Do I want to be a designer? Do I want to get involved in the little “blogging” followings and advertisement stuff? What do I want to do with this site?
One thing I do know – I WANT TO UPDATE/CHANGE MY PHOTO GALLERIES!! I started to use Nextgen Gallery for WordPress but it is just not working for me. So I think I am going to go with WordPress’s built in photo thing. But either way – expect major changes coming to the Photo section.
I also want to start a new Writing series. I am still going to finish Affair of the Mind – we didn’t spend YEARS making it up to NOT finish it!! But I want to start a new series that really has NOTHING WHAT SO EVER to do with Justin Lenox (no offense).
So it’s a new year and I plan on working on a new website layout this weekend. So many changes coming – not sure what yet but changes.
And I promise – I’ll try to keep up with the Project 365 of posting once a day!
I have decided to link up to this Photo a Day Challenge. It’s a good way to ease me back into doing Photo A Days again.
Day 4: Writing
This may be more geared at books than writing, but still! So we get our new IMac today! (I’ll explain later!) But anyway I’ve been researching IMacs and there is this app called Ibooks Author where you can create your own books and photo books from your writings and pictures! I am so looking forward to using the app once we get our Imac! We’re just waiting for it to be delivered! I’ve NEVER EVER in my life used a Mac so this will be a new experience! But yeah I’m excitied!
“Do you ever wonder if the reason you have had the many dreams over the years of me killing you by pushing you up against the wall and slitting your throat with a knife has anything to do with The Riddle?” Justin asked into the phone.
“I do wonder. Or maybe it’s because you have pushed me up against the wall and held knives to my throat? Hm, I don’t know. Maybe it’s one of those reasons,” I said sarcastically.
“Funny,” he replied. “You’re story is rather morbid too. May I add. I’m sitting here re-reading it now. Since you finally decided after ten years to start writing it back up again,” he said with humor in his voice.
“Yeah well I wonder where I got the story idea from?”
“Hey now! No No! Don’t you dare think you’re going to blame me for your mind coming up with a creepy ass story like this. Nope nope!!”
“Oh whatever! Justin Lenal is based off of you! He’s just a darker, eviler version,” I replied.
“No!! No!” Justin exclaimed. “The Original Riddle was based off of me. I admit that, but this re-write of yours is no where near based off of me.”
“Whatever,” I said with an eye roll.
“Well it’s true. The Original Justin Lenal was just a love struck teenger with some daddy issues. This Justin Lenal is psychotic.”
“Yeah and the original Justin Lenox was just some love struck teenager with daddy issues too, and look how that turned out.”
“Somebody is really being a smart ass tonight, aren’t they?” Justin replied.
“I learn from the best.”
“Right,” he said. “I forgot that thing you call a husband. What is his name again?”
“Kris! His name is Kris!” I exclaimed.
“Right, well maybe I’d actually remember his name if I was invited to your wedding!”
“Oh dear god!” I exclaimed in frustration. “We are not on that topic again are we?”
“Whatever. I’m still going to wear a dress at your next wedding. I know they’ll be a next.”
“Yeah when I decide to re-new my vows to my husband!” I exclaimed.
“Hmmm, well anyway, so I do have to admit I love the Sarah Mathews head being put on Tommy’s drive way. Nice touch!”
“Thanks,” I replied. “I did enjoy writing that scene.”
“Do you ever question your moral sanity? I mean who writes a story about a guy killing and dissecting other human beings because he gets off on it? And to top it off the guy is a gay sex whore.”
“Yeah well I never said I had moral sanity now did I?” I questioned with a laugh.
Ann Mathews (Hall) and Justin Lenox – The Story Continues
After the Affair
Coming Soon – soon meaning in 20 years because I have YET to finish An Affair of the Mind which is the series BEFORE After the Affair but whatever
I use to write funny Newsletters. I really did! They were funny!! … Okay maybe the ONLY two people on this planet who THOUGHT they were funny was me and my besty but WHATEVER – they WERE funny!
But besides being funny – they were also totally out there. My friend said to me the other day the following: “I spent ten fucking years trying to silence you. I put you in jail, I threatened your life, I held a knife to your throat, I threatened to sue you how many times now, and every single time no matter what I did you laughed. You said fuck you and you carried on with your day. So after ten years – what’s changed?”
I don’t know.
He’s right – he did everything to try and silence me. He really did put me in jail, threaten my life, held a knife to my throat and wrist countless times, and although I was never sued he did threaten it thousands of times. I know – you ask – um … wait? Did you just call him ‘friend?’ : )
You know I said 10 years ago that “in 10 years it won’t be the bad times we remember. It’ll be the moments that made us laugh.” Like those newsletters! Like I said – the Newsletters WERE funny!!! If you can’t get humor out of you’re fucked up mistakes, then there’s something wrong with you! They were funny!
And I’ll let you in on a little secret – all those ‘people’ who always replied to my polls and ‘weekly questions’ were just me and the Besty. Yeahhhh … we had no life! Lol! But again – THEY WERE FUNNY!!!
So what is the whole point of writing this?
To say that in 10 years – it wasn’t the bad moments we remember, it’s the moments that made us laugh.
“You know where the truth to this story lies don’t you? It’s not in the chapters of your story.”
“Where is it?”
“It’s in the storage unit that’s under lock and key and the bank account with our fake names on it.”
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Kellie Elmore posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt: I challenge you to write about something you are passionate about. What is it you see, smell, remember, feel, hear that never fails to ignite your page? What fuels your pen? Ah, see…you already thought of something, didn’t you?
What am I passionate about? That question use to be the easiest thing for me to answer. My answer was always writing. I was passionate about it whether it had to do with writing just a simply blog with a recap of my day or writing a story like the Riddler or AOTM. It was my passion! Now don’t get me wrong – writing is still something I am very passionate about, but lately I can’t seem to get back into the grove of things.
I feel I have all these wonderful ideas in my head that need to be put onto paper (okay now if they are actually wonderful is a different story but they seem cool to me) and I can never seem to either find the time nor energy to do it.
Let’s take the Riddler for example. I want to re-write it (yes for the 100th time) with a different twist. As morbid as this may sound, I feel there needs to be more blood, more guts, more horror, more death and most of all more evilness thrown into the tale of Jared Lenal and Tommy Watson. I have an idea of how I want the prologue to go and somewhat of an idea of how I want the story to flow. I have the ideas yet I can’t seem to put them onto paper.
So back to the original question at hand? What inspires me? What inspires me to write? Honestly – I don’t know. I’ll read something, watch something or hear a song and become inspired. Like the movie Saw inspired me to write some cool new stuff for the Riddler and it’s thanks to the TV show Dexter that Jared Lenal in the Re-Write Version likes to chop up his victims body parts and dispose of them into bodies of water (the original Riddler was so boring wasn’t it?). There’s about 100000 songs that remind me every day of my AOTM years (I know I say it like the story REALLY has ended when come on you all know there’s a surprise twist ending to AOTM that NO ONE not even Justin Lenox himself will see coming. Haha! I already hear my phone ringing … ) and every once in a while I’ll read an article or watch some stupid Legislative hearing where our state Representatives actually stand up and say polygamy is NOT illegal (it is by the way – Arizona Constitution Article 20 Section 2) that will inspire me to write a political blog post on their stupidity.
It’s randomness that inspires me. It’s a spur of the moment thing that I probably didn’t see coming. That’s what inspires me.
My passion is to write. I’d love to become famous for AOTM (although that wasn’t EVER the main point of writing it) and I’d love for the Riddler to be the next big Scream or Halloween Flick to hit the theaters (maybe even in 3D! Oooo I’d love to see the bathroom scene of Jared and Tommy in 3D! Haha! Okay yeah I know I TOTALLY just crossed the line there didn’t I? Oooo okay can we scratch that? Let’s pretend I never made any sexual fantasy remark of those two. ::nods:: Oh come on! I spent years listening to Jared moan and groan over having sex with the guy give me a break! YES the Characters of the Riddler are based off of real life people I know but the story is 100% fictional! Let’s just clarify!! Okay! FICTIONAL! AOTM on the other hand … oh I should just shut up before I end up saying something I WILL regret in the AM!).
Anyway back to the point of this blog (see I get distracted VERY easily which may also be another reason there hasn’t been a new chapter of either story in FOREVER) – I have a passion and inspiration but I have a problem connecting the two. I need the passion, inspiration and motivation. When Robi was still alive he always motivated me to write another chapter and when Brooke and I were still friends she always said “where is my next chapter to edit!” But now – I really have no motivation. My motivation for writing AOTM is still and always will be to TELL the TRUTH (well truth tied in with fiction mind you) and my motivation for writing the Riddler is to just laugh and poke fun at people (and to write that bathroom sex scene! I know I said I was done … I am! Swear!) but all in all – I lack motivation. Jar doesn’t help either because one day it’s “WRITE” and the next “Well … maybe we shouldn’t … blah blah blah!” Asshole! He really is! My husband well – I don’t think he quit gets it. It’s not that he doesn’t support me – I just don’t think he gets my passion, obsession, complete devotion to AOTM. I can’t say I’m THAT devoted to Riddler. It was a fun story to write and still is even if it is a dark, horror, evil flick. But AOTM – that was my life … IS my life (It really hasn’t ended yet! Come on! Surprise ending people! Haha! I WILL get the last laugh!).
I guess I just need to sit down and find my motivation for myself and stop worrying if people LIKE the book or not. It’s MY book! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! MY Passion! NOT YOURS! So yeah – there’s my inspiration (and of course the sex scenes! Haha! You do realize I’m joking right? Humor people! Humor!).
Anyway my passion is writing !! I love to write!! Even if it makes no sense to anybody but me (like this blog post) … I still will put it out there!
“Why did you start Sarahmarkham.com in 2005?” – J
“To tell a story.” – S
“So you must decide what’s more important making money off of it or telling your story.” – J
I have 20,000 billion ideas that run through my head on a daily basis. Most of those ideas never get put to paper. They use to. Hence how most of Part 2 of Affair of the Mind came to be, but for the most part now a day those 20,000 billion ideas that run through my head on a daily basis get no further than the inside of my brain.
I happen to think I am a rather creative person. Not creative as in the since of I can create art from a pen or I can draw a masterpiece. No! Not one bit. I couldn’t draw a stick figure to save my life. But creative as in – I’m good at making up a story. Or I use to be anyway. I use to be the mastermind of manipulation and putting stories together to make people believe they were true. I guess one could call me a rather good liar. Or so I thought I was anyway. I mean who honestly believed the story of Jared being an FBI agent and Jason going to prison for attempted murder? Eh, okay not many but hey it did make a good story line didn’t it?
I think deep down I am still that same girl who made up all those stories and opened Sarahmarkham.com in 2005 for the soul purpose to tell Part 1 of AOTM. But it’s not 2005 anymore. I couldn’t even come up with a good enough story line to tell my parents why we got rid of Batty (Cory and I did finally tell them yesterday). I know – why tell a story when I could have just told the truth. I don’t know. Sometimes coming up with an elaborate over the top story is far better than telling the simple truth. Hence 2003 and Michael Hart.
Alright I know you are all wondering what’s my point – yeah I’m getting to it. My point is I didn’t start this blog to make money. Sure it’ll be nice if someone one day actually wants to pay to advertise on Sarahahall.com but that’s not the point of this website. The point of it is STILL the same as it was in 2005 – I’m here to tell you MY story whether you believe me or not.
A lot has changed since then, the characters of my story are no longer the same people they use to be, and even the story line is completely different – but it’s still MY story to tell the way I WANT to tell it!
“So do we want to one day make billions of dollars off of Affair of the Mind or do we want to just put it out there, cross our fingers and let it be?” – J
“This story was never about making money. It was about the truth, and I know both of us have ended up on different sides of what the truth is but I think we can both agree on one thing – I never was in it for the money.” – S
“Oh Ms. Mathews we all know you never wanted the money.” – J
I have 20,000 billion ideas going through my head on a daily basis – and one of those ideas is to release the Diaries of Ann Mathews and publicly publish Affair of the Mind.
“So why don’t we just cross our fingers and let it be. After all we wouldn’t me Ann and Justin if we didn’t do something as crazy as that.” – S
20,000 billion ideas – and I’m slowly starting to write them down. Because if you leave them all in your head for too long – they eventually start talking to you and well that makes you crazier than the girl who actually wrote Affair of the Mind.
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Magic In The Backyard posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
You are cleaning out your attic when you find an old dusty box you’ve never noticed before. You open it to find stacks of hundred dollar bills and a note that says, “Here’s your cut, see you in Mexico”. There is no signature. Start writing whatever floods your mind at this thought and tell me a story…
“Mexico? I thought we agreed on England!! Since when did you turn into a white trash fugitive!” I exclaimed throwing the note back into the box. It had been two days since my mother’s funeral and 2 years since we said goodbye to my dad. I knew this day was coming. However, I wasn’t in the least bit ready for it.
“Mexico?” I repeatedly asked myself over and over again. “Did I miss something?” I picked up the note again to make sure I had read it right. There was no way one could confuse Mexico with England. But that wasn’t the plan. The plan was to go to England. So what happened between the year 2007 and 2022 that made him change the meeting place to Mexico?
15 Years Earlier
“You know I just want to go. I just want to get on that private fake jet of yours and just go somewhere,” I said as we both sat on his back patio facing the Catalina Mountains in Oro Valley, Arizona.
“Okay let’s go,” he smiled at me.
“Yeah okay, let’s go find that fake jet of yours and fly away to never never land. Better yet, let’s just go steal one of those plans from Luke Air Force Base in Phoenix.”
“Okay,” he laughed.
“Where did our lives go so wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “But one day you and me, we’re going to be ok. We’re going to take the money, run away and never look back. You do realize that’s an option today, right?”
“Yes let’s take your drug dealing, x-dead boyfriends money, run away, and never return,” I replied sarcastically. “No that is not an option.”
“I can’t just leave. My grandma has cancer, my mom might have cancer, my dad is too far gone on pain meds and psychological medication to even comprehend what is happening so no running away right now with your dead x boyfriends drug money is not an option.”
“Fine, but I want you and I to make a deal.”
“What?” I asked turning to face him.
“When your parents die, you and me will take that money, get on a plan, fly to England and fake our own deaths.”
“Really?” I asked with a touch of humor in my voice. “And how are we going to fake our own deaths?”
“We’ll stage some car accident where the bodies are burned far beyond recognition or identity.”
“And where do you intend on finding two bodies to burn in some staged car accident?”
“The cemetery. Where else?”
“You are dead serious aren’t you?” I laughed.
“Completely dead serious.”
As I thought back on our conversation in late December of 2007, a smile crossed my face. “Damn you!” I yelled in the silence of the room. “You really were dead serious, but what about the staging of our death?”
I pulled the money out of the box looking for another note that hopefully stated how our deaths would be planned out and where to meet him. After all, it had been 5 years since I last saw him.
And then I saw it. At the very bottom of the box a flash drive. I quickly located my Ipad and 25 in-one card reader adapter to find the flash drive encrypted with a password. “What could it be?” I asked myself and then it hit me just as fast as I said it. “Ah of course,” I said aloud as I typed the password into the text box. As soon as I hit the enter key, a message appeared on my screen from him:
The top note was to throw off anyone who might have found this box prior to you. I am sure whoever did is on their way to Mexico right now. I knew you’d be smart enough to find this box. You always know when something is out of place. I also knew you’d be smart enough to find the flash drive barred at the bottom, and I knew with careful thought you’d remember our secret code. Your plane leaves Monday at 9am from Phoenix. You will find a one way ticket waiting for you at Will Call under the name Jennifer Smithial. You will find your fake ID and a credit card waiting for you at LakeRidge Inn Gym in locker #454. I will meet you in England. Don’t worry about the staging of your death part. I already took care of it …
Have you ever wanted to just find the pause button in your life? It’s almost 2009, Christmas is over (hard to believe), and tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Where did time go? I need like two seconds (or maybe 2 hrs) to just hit pause and reflect on everything that happened this year. I moved, went from retail to politics, Obama won the 08 election, JR was released from prison, David Cook won American Idol, Jeffery was in a car accident, I went from Robert to Charisa to single again … the list does go on. Lol! So let me just hit pause before 09 begins because it seems there is never a dull moment in the life .. or do all lives never have a dull moment? Maybe it’s just not me … ???
Either way 09 is almost here. So let’s do my New Year’s Resolutions List. Now I usually don’t do this, but 08 was a year of change and 09 is a “fresh start” (or so they say). So let’s try it this year shall we?
I supposed my major resolution for the New Year is too keep up with the positive impact. I don’t need people in my life who are negative and who bring me down. I am open to meeting new people, but I think the line is drawn when those people make you feel bad about yourself. So here’s to those who matter and those who don’t – there’s a reason you and I didn’t work.
Finish Part 1 of Affair of the Mind. It was supposed to be finished by now, but with my co-author getting in a car accident – it didn’t happen. So this year – NO CAR ACCIDENTS! LoL! I need to finish part 1 – there’s still 2 parts after that to write. Oya! LoL!
Start and stick to my Special K diet. I need to lose weight damn it! My goal – go back down to like 103ish. So special K diet here I come … I start Thursday!
Write more! I know some of you probably think I write TOO much but I use to write more like you would know what I had for breakfast write more (I had pancakes by the way today because I need to finish them so I can start my special K diet on Thursday).
Bring my picture a day’s back and STICK to them ALL year this time. Lol!
Be myself. I need to stop being what others either want me to be or what others expect me to be. I need to just be myself. I WANT to look myself in the mirror in December of 2009 and be like “that’s Sarah, and I love you.” I lost myself somewhere along the way the past 3 years and I HAVE to find myself again. Maybe I’m not the girl I was in 2005 when I moved to Tucson, but I don’t want to be the girl I became in Tucson. So here’s to adventure, experience, and finding myself – whoever Sarah may be. I have to be me !!
3 years later and I feel I STILL have the same New Years Resolutions as I did 3 years ago. There’s something wrong with that right?
But just do a little editing and my New Year’s Resolutions are the following:
Take out the Sunday Trash. In other words: Kick out the negativity I DO NOT need in my life and the drama too!
Special K Diet
Do a Photo A Day again and STICK TO IT THIS TIME! (I actually did it for ALL of 2009!)
Be myself not what others want me to be!
Sound familar huh?
Well here’s to NOT writing the SAME New Years Resolution list 3 years from now!
I feel like I’m having a “blog identity crisis.” I created myravingrants.com because I wanted a blog that was different. I wanted a blog that had my name attached to it but not a domain that was all me.
I also wanted to start doing paid postings and advertisements. So I tried it for a while but it doesn’t feel right.
A blog to me is supposed to be personal. It’s supposed to be your story to the world. It’s not supposed to be filled with advertisements and meaningless words. It’s supposed to represent who you are and lately I just haven’t felt that my blog has done that.
I started a blog in 2002 after finding Jared’s livejournal. I thought it was a neat concept so I ran with it yet I didn’t want to ever blog like Jared. His blogs were filled with nothing but lies and misrepresentation. He had so many different blogs with different alias. I vowed to never be like him and lately I feel like I’m breaking that vow.
I want to feel like I did back then – open and carefree. A blog is your personal story and the way I view it is simple – tell it like u want because no one can tell ur story except u.
Writing. Is that not obvious at this point? I <3 writing! I don’t feel I do it as much as I use to, but I still <3 it. I still want Affair of the Mind to be published and made into a movie series someday. : )
I just <3 writing – whether it’s blogs, a book, or a poem (which I should really do more). Writing is like an escape from reality and sometimes you just need it. Ya know?
When you are writing, do you prefer to use a pen or a computer?
A computer by far!! I hate hand writing journals. Even for my most personal journals I use the computer. I just password protect the post or make it private. I type fast and it’s just easier to get everything down that I want to say in a timely manner by using the computer. I use to hand write journals back in high school but now a days it’s very rare if I hand write one.
So I am going to try this NaBloPoMo project! It means – National Blog Posting Month – where you blog everyday in November and have a chance to win cool prizes! It’s my first year doing it! So let’s see how it turns out. : )
Today’s prompt is: What is your favorite part of writing?
My favorite part of writing is being able to be creative. Whether it’s turning a dull day into something exciting to write about or telling a story with a bunch of different characters, writing to me is about creativity. We all have our own style of writing and each one is unique.
Now along with the writing prompt offered to us by NaBloPoMo, I also plan on doing 1 other blog per day for the whole month as well.
I know it’s a lot to take on, but I can do it …. !!! Grrr!