Lambert, Joey & A Guilt I’ll Never Get Over
So let’s see who all pays attention to my blog because if you know me and you can decode this – you SHOULD be up in arms about it.
So I had dinner with Jackson and her wife on Thursday night (you know – Christina Jackson but everyone always calls her Jackson – inside joke) . Anyway I’ll write about the dinner and all my happenings in Omaha in another blog post. This post is dedicated to something she informed me of during our dinner conversation.
So I always knew there was SOMETHING between Joey Scott and Josh Randolph. Josh was way too guilty after Joey died. He acted like he had a secret to hide and to this day he still does. But what that secret was, I could never figure it out. I had my speculations: a love affair, HIV, HPV, drugs, sex … oh yes I had my speculations. In fact a whole blog was once written around the topic of HIV, sex and a love affair. Like most of my Affair of the Mind stories that for all intentional purposes should have been something I just made up off the top of my head – the story of Josh Randolph and Joey Scott was really NOT that far from the truth.
I spent almost the entire ride back home to Lakeworth Friday afternoon on the phone with Justin crying. It hit me as the plane landed down at the Phoenix Skyharbor Airport that the words I had written on Facebook the night prior were far too true. I wrote Thursday night on facebook the following: I am the most open person you will ever meet – my entire life is posted on the internet for the entire world to see and read and I won’t ever change – however the minute I put a face to the name Justin Lenox is the minute my story becomes a reality which is why you will never see photos, videos or any other media related to the four main characters of Affair of the Mind – it doesn’t mean they aren’t real and it doesn’t mean my story isn’t true – but I love Justin Lenox and despite what ANY of you think or say – I may write the story but I won’t put him in jail. The photos, the videos and the truth will be released on the day the last one of us dies – it’s called loyalty and love and think what u want of me but I will always love Justin Lenox and I will always protect him despite if that makes me a bad person or not
What I didn’t realize when I posted it was that I chose Justin over Joey Scott, and even after what Jackson told me Thursday night it didn’t hit me until the plane landed in Phoenix that I am just as guilty as Josh over the death of Joey Scott.
I know – Joey died of complications related to a disease many said was inherited And maybe that’s true, but I will NEVER stop feeling guilty over his death as I am sure neither will Josh.
Jackson told me that Joey was in love with his best friend. They had many sexual encounters and Josh always told him he loved him and wanted to be with him … and this was all before Kristopher Hall came into the picture. I knew Joey loved him. I didn’t know that back in 2006 but I knew that the day I asked Joey about him back in 09. What I didn’t know was the extent of their relationship. Joey wouldn’t tell me, and now I know why.
I asked Justin if I hadn’t of moved to Tucson in 2005 if I could have saved him. Was it the drugs that lead to his disease? Was it his undying love for Josh Randolph that destroyed the man I once knew, admired and loved? Had I NOT left would he still be alive? Justin’s reply was – I will never know and I can’t live my entire life wondering what if.
But I chose Justin over Joey and when asked if I could go back and save Joey over Justin – would I? If I could go back, knowing that he would still be alive today but Justin would end up in prison – would I have saved him instead of Justin Lenox?
….
I can’t answer that.
I need a reason. I have needed a reason since the day Joey died. I have needed a reason of WHY! I thought Kris was my reason. Had I never met Justin, I never would have fallen in love with Kris because I never would have emerged myself in the gay community of Lakeworth, Arizona. But Kris isn’t it. Joey loved Josh way before Kris came along.
I need my reason back. I need to know why I keep choosing him over everyone else.
So is our agreement the reason? Is Lambert Robi Elliot the reason why?
I hope so because I cannot live with myself knowing had I chose a different path Joey would still be alive. So if Lambert isn’t our reason … than you tell me – how does After the Affair end?
My Husband Saved Me in 2006 – He Just Doesn’t Know It
I highly believe everything happens for a reason. I highly believe we are all connected in one way or another. And I highly believe that the choices we make in life lead us down the path we’re supposed to be on. For not being a religious person – I still seem to have very spiritual beliefs.
You all know the story of how Cory and I met. We meet on Halloween night 2009 for a brief moment and due to life’s crazy ways didn’t run into each other again until Robi’s Celebration of Life Ceremony after he passed away in April of 2010. It took us three more months to realize that we had an attraction towards one another after obviously clearing up the whole ‘but wait aren’t you both gay?’ issue. And after that – well the rest is history.
But what people don’t know is that I wrote about Cory Michael Hall 14 times in my journal between the years 2006 and 2009 before even saying one word to the man. The following is the truth behind my prior knowledge of my husband. Truth he probably doesn’t even know of, but I feel the need to state it because it shows how everything is connected and how things happen for a reason.
It was February of 2006 when I first heard the name Cory Michael Hall (AOTM name is Kristopher Mach Hall).
Please note: The following is written in association with Affair of the Mind. Due to legality and confidentially reasons, the following names will be associated with those characters of AOTM. I am sorry for any confusion this may cause. The following also contains AOTM Spoilers
I lived in Tucson, Arizona at that point in time and received a phone call from my besty at the time, Justin Lenox, to inform me of the new ‘gay guy’ dating the infamous Josh Randolph. I remember saying and I quote “The cute ones seemed to have moved to Lakeworth after I left. Go figure!” Justin rambled something about why the new cute gay guy would want to date someone as disgusting as Josh Randolph or something along those lines ( you know how Lenox feels about Randolph ).
Anyway so the last time the “Green Gang” was together was in February of 2006. I was going back to Lakeworth for a fitting for my brother’s wedding (I was in the bridal party) and also to speak to Joey Scott and convience him to leave Lakeworth and move back to Tucson with me. If he refused? We were going to kidnap him.
One of the things I told Joey before I moved to Tucson was under no circumstances what so ever do NOT start hanging out with people like Josh Randolph. So when I said it I never thought that Joey and I would get into this big fight, we’d stop talking, he’d hate my guts, and then he’d ignore everything I ever once told him and become best buds with the one guy Justin proclaimed was ‘the enemy.’ BUT that’s exactly what happened. So why in my mind did I think going back to Lakeworth and talking to Joey would do anything was beyond me.
But none the less – you know Ann Mathews and her brilliant ideas – the plan was put into place to go back to Lakeworth, meet one final time with James, Justin and Timothy, kidnap Joey and come back to Tucson and live happily ever after. Hey I never said I had brilliant ideas!
Anyway so back to Kristopher Hall. Justin found his myspace profile page (remember myspace? Use to be the facebook of social media? You know before facebook? Yeah!) and I do what I do best – stalked him on the internet. I looked through every picture, every blog, every status update, every detail of his myspace. I then went to Joey’s and Josh’s myspace profiles to do the same. I probably spent a good four to five hours analyzing every last details of the relationship and connections between the three of them and this is what transpired the next day because of it:
February 10th, 2006 (The real story not the AOTM Part 2 Version)
I starred at the suitcase as I put it into the trunk of my car. “I can’t do this,” I sighed picking up my cell phone.
“Are you on your way?” Justin asked answering it.
“I can’t do this,” I said almost in tears.
“Why?” he asked getting annoyed. “We had an agreement Ann Mathews!”
“Don’t worry I’m still coming down. I just can’t do the whole Joey Scott thing.”
“Why?” he asked again.
“It’s just not right. I can’t just go to Lakeworth after not talking to him for over six months and demand that he stop hanging out with people. And realistically Justin, I can’t kidnap him either,” I explained.
The sun shown bright in Tucson that morning. It was 5:30am and in less than an hour I’d be on the road back to Lakeworth and in less than 24 hours all four of us would be together again. Yet as much as I wanted to sit there and think of what I would say to James when I came face to face with him, the only thing that seemed to weigh heavy on my mind were the images of Kristopher Hall.
Kris was someone I had never even met. He was someone who came into Joey’s life after me, and from reading his myspace and seeing the pictures of him, Joey and Josh I came to realize that I no longer mattered. Joey had new friends, and despite the fact that neither Justin nor I didn’t approve of them; it was no longer my place to tell Joey Scott who he could and could not hang out with. I lost the privilege to give Joey advice the minute I chose Justin Lenox over him.
“Ann this was your idea. I thought you wanted to get Joey out of Lakeworth?” Justin said not giving me a minute to answer him.
“I did until last night,” I said.
“What happened last night? Did you talk to him or something?”
“No, I read Kristopher’s myspace and stared at pictures of him, Josh, and Joey all night.”
“Why?” Justin asked annoyed. “What does Kristopher Hall have anything to do with this? We don’t even know Kristopher. For all we know, he is as naïve as Joey is. I mean come on. He has to be naïve he’s dating Josh Randolph for crying out loud! I am sure he has no clue who the man is behind the mask. You should go to Lakeworth, find this mysterious Kristopher person, and warn him now before it’s too late!” Justin suggested.
“It’s not my place,” I sighed. “Joey seems happy and if they make him happy then it’s not my place to go in there and take that away from him. Joey was always good to me. I once considered him a best friend. I wish he’d leave Lakeworth and never look back, but it’s not my place to make sure that happens. I’m sorry Justin. Joey is happy, and I won’t be the person to take that away from him.”
“Fine! Whatever!” Justin exclaimed. “When are you going to be here? You are still coming tonight right? I didn’t go to all this trouble to get Timothy and James …”
“YES!” I exclaimed interrupting him. “I am still coming. Don’t worry. I’ll be there.”
“Good!” he sighed in relief. “So besides the whole Joey situation, the rest of the story line is to go as planned. Correct?”
“Correct,” I replied getting in the driver’s seat of my car as I stared at the road between here and Lakeworth.
The name Kristopher Hall was never mentioned again until 2007 when in AOTM Part 2 (my version of events which was nowhere near the truth) it is explained for one brief moment that Kris and Josh broke up and Josh went back to be with Danny.
After that the name Kristopher Hall is not brought up until I start talking to Joey again in the year 2009. However the concept of Kristopher Hall and a story line consisting of him as a main character for Part 3 was almost a reality.
You all know the story of AOTM Part 2 and 3 and if you don’t well I highly suggest you don’t continue reading this …
I’ll give you a moment to stop …
.
.
.
Okay so Part 2 is 95% made up and the beginning of Part 3 is about 95% bullshit. Josh Randolph never put Justin in the hospital and almost killed him, and Josh never ended up in prison for attempted murder of a federal agent. I know – it made a GREAT story line didn’t it? All dramatic and everything … but none the less – NOT TRUE!
However prior to Tom Lenal contacting me in January of 2009 and my reconnecting with him and Joey, Justin and I had come up with a story line to run with that consisted of Kristopher. At this point in time, I had no clue what happened between the two in real life all I know was they made a cute couple so hey why not go with it. So we did!
If AOTM Part 3 would have continued it would have went something like this – Josh Randolph is released from prison by none other than Justin Lenox after Justin is in a car accident and loses his memory and decides he wants to be a ‘better person.’ Josh reconnects with Kristopher after Josh tells me he was madly in love with him and shouldn’t have dumped him. So Justin hooks them back up. All is good until Justin comes out and says he faked having amnesia to get Timothy back (him and Timothy fought before the car accident). So Timothy and Justin break up and for unknown reasons so does Kris and Josh. Timothy and Josh hook up and …. Well u see where I am taking this … yeah! I already hear Justin yelling at me now so I won’t say who Justin was going to hook up with. Hey I was having him end up with James but then I thought about that and yeah no! Lol! I never even thought of having him end up with Elliot because at the time Elliot and Jacob were like THE couple. So yeah … (And to make matters even worse – I even wrote up some fake journal entries in anticipation for this story line … like:
“JR just called me and said he got a date with Kris. I asked him tonight I’m like ‘whatever happened to Kris?’ They went out on what – one date! Well JR told him he wasn’t ready to date. I’m like you call his ass up and get a date with him! LoL! So I guess he finally got a hold of him and they have a date tomorrow. –fake crying sniffles– HOW CUTE!”)
IF only AOTM Part 3 had continued …. BUT it didn’t! Tom Lenal contacted me and I decided to go with the whole ‘crazy schizophrenic’ story instead. Again NOT my greatest idea in life but … whatever! I never said I had brilliant ideas.
And there you have it folks – see at the end of the day we all are meant to be. Things just have a funny way of working themselves out.
I know I know – I’m glad I didn’t have Justin end up with Kris too. : )
Finishing Part 1
“Wow! This is the second hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life behind the speech I gave at Joey’s funeral,” I sighed into the phone line. “You write it!”
“Oh no!” he laughed. “I am not going to write about your love affair with James Black!” he continued to laugh.
“I don’t get why this is so hard to write!” I exclaimed in frustration.
“I think it’s hard for you to write because you have never sat down and actually analyzed your feelings for James Black,” Justin replied.
“Whatever! James Black is the most confusing, annoying, pessimistic man I have ever met next to you of course.”
“Do you love him?” Justin asked bluntly.
“What?” I asked caught off guard.
“Did you ever love him?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I was led to believe for so many years that he chose drugs over me, and then he tells me he didn’t choose me because he didn’t want to share me with you. So I honestly don’t know. James Black was the most dysfunctional, fucked up relationship I have ever been in.”
“Okay but let’s put all that aside. Let’s forget the fact that he chose drugs over you. Let’s forget the fact he pretended for years he never even dated you. And let’s forget the fact that he now says he loved you but he didn’t want to share you with me. Put all that aside. Did you ever love James Black?”
As I thought of how I was going to answer Justin, my mind filled with all the memories, although short lived, of my time with James. “Yes,” I sighed.
“Let me ask you Ann. If James had chosen you that day, do you think you two would still be together?” Justin asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “But he didn’t and even years later when I gave him every opportunity in the world to make it right between us, he still didn’t come back.”
“Because he didn’t want to share you with me,” Justin said. “Fine let me ask you another question, if back then or even now James said he would be with you but you had to choose him over me. Would you?” he asked.
“No. I’ll always choose you,” I said without hesitation.
“Then can you blame him for not coming after you?”
“No,” I sighed.
“Look Ann I am going to tell you this not to hurt you, but because you deserve to know. He loved. He probably still does. He will probably spend the rest of his life following your website wishing things had turned out different. You broke his heart when you married, Kristopher.”
“He married Nicki way before I married Kristopher!” I stated.
“Yes, but you married Kristopher Hall of all the people in this world you could have married.”
“Oh please don’t start on your whole ‘why the hell did you marry him’ rant again!” I exclaimed.
“Look Ann my point, he loved you. You loved him but at the end of the day it’s like Timothy and I – it will never work. So let it go, finish the book and move on,” Justin stated.
“And what about Bobby Blue?” I asked.
“What about him? Did you love him?”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “But he was good to me despite everything, and I can’t bring myself to tell him in a book my true feelings. He doesn’t deserve to open the pages of Affair of the Mind to read that the entire three years we were together I never truly loved him the way he loved me.”
“Then tell him in person. He does still live in Lakeworth right?” Justin asked.
“Oh yeah, that’s going to go over real well. Last time I talked to him was in 2009 when I told him the whole schizophrenic story and that he didn’t stand a chance running for City Council.”
“Well he doesn’t stand a chance running for city council,” Justin laughed. “Look Ann, you can either write it down in the pages of a novel and let him read it, or you can call him and tell him the truth.”
“Do you know how many lies I told him? Half of our relationship was nothing but a lie! And you’re saying that five years later I should just pick up that phone, call him and tell him the truth. What if he doesn’t believe me?” I asked.
“You’re writing a book based on your life that a good 99.9% aren’t going to believe. It doesn’t matter if he believes you or not. All that matters is that you told the truth. It’s not up to you to make him believe it. Tell him the truth. Tell him the truth to part 2. He deserves to know the truth.”
“You know this book is becoming a real pain in my ass!” I exclaimed.
“Hey it was your idea not mine. I was totally happy with laying low, living off my millions of dollars and never speaking of Lakeworth again,” he laughed.
“Whatever! I’m going to go stare at Chapter 37 and find a way to write about having sex with James Black.”
“Haha!” Justin laughed. “You have fun with that. Tell your husband I said hi by the way.”
“Why would I tell my husband you said hi?” I asked.
“Because one day me and him are going to have to have a nice long chat. You’re right I can’t hate your choice in men forever. Later!” Justin said hanging up the phone.
1 Hour Later
“I take it back,” I said as he answered the phone with a ‘hello.’
“Take what back?” Justin asked.
“I didn’t love him,” I replied.
“You didn’t love James Black?” he questioned looking for clarification.
“No,” I sighed. “Don’t get me wrong he is one of the most romantic people I have ever dated. I don’t think any other person has spoiled me with as expensive and as lavish of gifts as he did, but no I didn’t love him. James is right – he wasn’t you. I fell for James because it brought me closer to you. Being with James Black meant being with you. I love you,” I said.
There was silence on the other end.
“Having sex with James Black was amazing. Don’t get me wrong. When I had sex with you there was no emotion involved. It was just sex. Sex with James was different. It was magical. It was everything I wanted, but it wasn’t you. I think I imagined in my head for so many years this perfect life where I married James and you married Timothy. We all lived in this beautiful mansion together. I would bare kids for you and Timothy and then James and I would have a couple of our own. In my mind that was the fantasy, and by dating James I thought I could have that. At the end of the day though, no I was not in love with him. It was never him. It was always you and it always will be,” I explained.
“You do love your husband right?” Justin finally asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Your husband! You’re not just married to him because he’s the next best thing?”
“Do you want to know how I know I’m in love with Kristopher?” I asked annoyed at his question. “Do you want to know the difference between Kris and the others?”
“Yes, please enlighten me.”
“I don’t scream your name when I fuck him,” I said in a cold manner.
“Wow!” Justin exclaimed. “Wow!” he repeated.
“And when I’m with him, it’s not you I’m thinking of. Yes, I am in love with my husband. The question of if I was or not never once crossed my mind.”
“But you weren’t in love with James or Bobby Blue?”
“No,” I answered. “Because every time – every single time – I was with them, I wished it was you …”
Silence
“Do you want to know how I know I love Elliot?” Justin finally asked.
“How?”
“I don’t scream the name Timothy every time we fuck,” Justin said.
“Wow!” I laughed. “We are totally fucked up aren’t we?”
“Beyond fucked up Ms. Mathews!” he laughed in return.
After the Affair
Coming Soon – soon meaning in 20 years because I have YET to finish An Affair of the Mindwhich is the series BEFORE After the Affair but whatever
Click here to read more of this series
The Road To You
Written in Spring of 2008
Two roads divided and only one to choose
One leads to heaven and one leads to you
Two roads split and only one path to take
How can I make such a life changing mistake
Road number one leads to a man
A man so caring and so easily to understand
A man that will carry you into his arms
And make the world and you seem so far apart
Road number two leads to a girl
Her beauty is so deeply wrapped into my world
A girl who’s body lies hand in hand into my soul
When I hold her tight I don’t want to let her go
A choice must be made to one or the other
Do I chose the man I once loved like there was no other
Or do I chose a girl whose heart makes me melt
Cause when I touch her she is all I have ever felt
Two roads divided and only one to choose
One leads to a girl down road number two
And one leads to a man
Why is this so hard to do?
I will close my eyes and walk down a road
And when I open them I will run and hold
The one that I chose will be in my arms
Today I place my foot down this path to you
More & More Everyday
So I woke up this morining to a wonderful surprise! All week Cory kept saying “I didn’t get you anything and I feel bad cause I know you got me something.” He said he was sick and working and didn’t have time to get me anything yada yada yada. Blah! THIS is what I woke up too!
Isn’t it the cutest thing ever! Now I feel bad cause all I got him was a card and one little gift so I reused his balloons to put his card and gift around so when he wakes up he has a surprise himself! Hehe! : )
But anyway look at all the cute stuff he got me:
I call the bear Mr. Snuggles! : ) I better not see any of the bear in the dog’s mouth that’s all I have to say! I can’t wait to eat the chocolates – yum!!
I have to admit my favorite is the lady bug! I <3 lady bugs!! In fact, they are the only bug I actually like!
And then he got me these beautiful earrings! I am going to wear them today! : )
I know I have the most amazing husband in the world – you all should be jealous !
He actually has been very thoughtful this year. I cannot take credit for this. He went and got everything. All I did was deliver the gifts. It was his idea to get Mem and Grandma chocolate and flowers for Vday. So he went to Kmart and Albertsons and picked out flowers and chocolates for them. I just delivered them. They were very happy and surprised. They were totally not expecting it. It was awesome!
So anyway instead of going out to dinner tonight, Cory and I are staying in. I figured we’d save the money and make our own restaurant style dinner. Cory is going to make the dough this afternoon and then when I get home we’re going to finish making the famous Braided Spaghetti Bread together. That is like five star right there. Plus I made my heart shaped Jell-O cake and we have campaign.
Anyway that is all!
Better get going!
Laterz!
Confessions & Apologizes On Election Night
Three years ago I said “love is worth the risk and Adam Lambert is worth the masturbation.” Exact words – no kidding! Seriously though – I said three years ago the risk was worth it and I stand by what I said three years ago when I say – the fight is worth it.
Confession time (cause it is November of 2012 and I’m so sick of lying) – today was not the first day I picked up the phone and called Justin. Confession #1 – I have talked to him far more times in the past year then I care to admit. Confession #2 – I’ll always and forever call him my friend despite what has happened or will happen between us. Confession #3 – I really don’t care what any of you have to say about it (well I supposed I do or else I would have written about it before but I guess I stopped caring. It is November of 2012 after all. Is it not time that ALL of us put the past in the past and just simply move on?).
I wish to apologize first and foremost for my part in Affair of the Mind Part 2. I guess when you said ‘make up a story so farfetched no one will EVER believe it’ I didn’t have to go as far as I did. I didn’t realize until after talking to you today and until after writing on facebook that it was my 2 year anniversary and then reading what Cory wrote that Part 2 really fucked us up. I mean let’s forget for one moment there’s even a part 1 or a part 3 or part 4 … yeah let’s forget those parts because it was really Part 2 that put us into the mindset that love is supposed to be this fairy tale love story.
Had I of been ‘writing’ Part 4 (After the Affair) as a fictional story it would have went something like this – she would have lost baby, he would have went to jail (for a way shorter time period) and when he was released you two would have lived happily ever after and had another baby.
But Part 4 wasn’t meant to be some story I made up to fuck with people now was it?
Life isn’t the story I wrote. That’s not how it works. People have feelings and there is a lot more to life and a lot more to real life relationships then just your opinion and mine. I think it is safe to say that in Part 2 you ruled. Your opinion, your voice, your feelings mattered and maybe they were the only ones to matter. Timothy’s didn’t. He was like your little puppy and servant who did everything you wanted. But obviously that’s not true because the Timothy in real life (his words exactly) only helped that night because he was high. There was no fairy tale love story and maybe it’s safe to say there was no love story period between you two.
Love isn’t easy. Love is hard, love is unfair sometimes, and it’s not a Taylor Swift song. Come on! Shouldn’t you and I out of everybody know that? We have tried for ten years at this friendship which may I add is very not ‘normal.’ Life is not rainbows and sunshine’s and I think we both got lost in the making and creating of Part 2.
So I say it again – love is worth the risk. Maybe you guys just forgot that Adam Lambert is worth the masturbation.
Take that to heart and don’t give up because we all deserve a happy ending.
And one more thing – you guys have a cute story and THAT makes it worth it. : )
Happy 2 Years
Today is more than just Election Day – I live and breathe politics so please forgive me for my utter ‘political’ splatter the past few months on facebook and my website – it is also my 2 year wedding anniversary. Two years ago I married an amazing man. He is not only my husband – he is my friend, my partner, my companion, my everything. The past two years haven’t been easy and we have had our moments (as many other marriages I am sure have) but I wouldn’t change anything. Marrying Cory was the best decision I ever made, and I look forward to the many years more we will have. I love you Cory – more and more every day. Happy 2 years!
I think in the past two years I have learned that marriage isn’t easy and that as much as I wish it was true there is no such thing as a ‘Taylor Swift Love Story.’ No relationship is perfect. It takes effort and hard work.
I think prior to meeting Cory I thought life and love was supposed to be rainbows and sunshine. I wrote this ‘fairytale’ love story in Affair of the Mind between Justin and Timothy and I think deep down Justin and I both left with the assumption that what I wrote is how love should be. But it’s not. Life and love is not rainbows and sunshine.
Which leads to me the realization that maybe that is our problem. I supposed if you live inside a story for nearly 9 years that story becomes you.
Cory and I’s relationship hasn’t been easy and it’s come with many hard times but at the end of the day the good times outweigh the bad. I love him more and more every day and I look forward to the many more anniversaries I know we will have.
I’ll always love you, Cory!
The Best Husband Ever
So this is what I woke up to this morning:
I have the most wonderful, thoughtful husband in the world! It brought a smile to my face. It’s the little things in life that matters – remember that people.
I love you more and more everyday too, Cory Michael Hall!!
Eating A Bowl of Chicken & Rice
So yesterday Cory and I went to the Flame Broiler for dinner. It was good! I have never ate their before (except that one time I tried a bit of Cory’s). But anyway beside the point …
So I saw Derek there. Haven’t seen him in a while. He’s the same old same old! Lol! After seeing him though I thought “none of us ended up like we were supposed to.”
- I didn’t end up going to law school or becoming some big writer
- Jar didn’t end up a millionaire criminal with a child, maids, cars, and a mansion to live in
- John didn’t end up … well where did he end up? Ah right – Bunnies & Nicole – that pretty much says enough
- Ed … works at Target. I supposed that’s a step up from Wal-Mart. Right?
- Derek – still single (I think)
- Brooke – ah who knows at this point?
- Craig didn’t end up working for the FBI, marrying Mario or Jacob, and living next door to Jar in the big mansion (now he lives with Jar in a small house – okay fine medium size)
- Mario – still the gay whore of Tucson I’m sure
- Tommy … yeah still not some big Broadway star or made for TV actor. And where’s that book you promised us all by the way?
- Ryan – he moved (I supposed that says something) but same old same old
- Robert – still bitter are we? Yeah – I would be too.
- Jason – mmm … I should just keep my mouth shut when it comes to you. Right? I supposed we all will bury our secrets when we die. You included
- Jonathon – I miss the ‘you’ that was with Link and going to ‘spend forever with him’ but then again no one spends forever with anyone
No one ever ends up what they think they will become when they’re 18. And no life is what it was supposed to be in the mind of your eighteen year old self.
We all have our secrets, we all have our battles, and we all the ‘dream’ that never did happen.
Yes I realized all that while eating a bowl of Rice & Chicken!
Fifty Shades of Grey Book Review
Warning: The Following contains spoilers!! Reader discretion is advised!
Read MoreHusbands Need Love Too
Today I am linking up with Cassie over at Live, Laugh, Love for Husbands Need Love Too Day.
Yeah I’ll Regret That In The Morning – Part 2
Warning: The Following Contains AOTM Spoilers! Reader Discretion is Advised!
Read MoreThe Awkward Turning Conversation
WARNING: The following contains An Affair of the Mind Spoilers and sexually descriptive content !! Reader discretion is advised!
Read MoreThe Love & Hate Of One Christian Grey
Christian Grey: a man you learn to hate, love and then hate again.
I just finished Chapter 9 of Fifty Shades of Grey. So far – so good! It has me wanting to read more and not just because of the very descriptive sex scenes either. I want to know what becomes of Christian Grey.
Secretly deep down we all want a Christian Grey. That guy (or girl) who can please you in more ways than you knows ever existed. That excitement, that enthusiasm and that adventure – the feeling of never know what is about to happen and always being surprised (in a good way). Deep down we all want the Christian Grey of the world – the man (or woman) who can please us with just a lick of his tongue.
Yet at the same time – Christian Grey is exactly who we don’t want. We don’t want the guy who is afraid of commitment, who cringes at the thought of marriage, and the man who you know deep down will never have children because honestly – try explaining to your 8 year old child’s friends your husband’s sex swing in the bed room. We also don’t want a man who thinks he owns the world. A man who has a desire and need to dominate every situation and leave little to no input available for a woman to respond. Most woman – do not want a Christian Grey at all.
Now if one could find the perfect combination of what Christian Grey is and what he is not – well then you just have perfection and the last time I checked perfection doesn’t exist in this world unless of course your name is Justin and your husband’s name is Elliot – but even then: they were just made up characters in some girl’s crazy story.
All in all though – Fifty Shades of Grey, nine chapters in, I totally recommend it!
Ps: I’m glad I didn’t settle for a Christian Grey because honestly no man is going to tie me up and tell me what to do.
Read MoreFree Write Friday – v.12 – The Cow Said Moo
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Kellie Elmore posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
You… are a cow.
You, the cow, have a story to tell.
Chew on that a minute then…
tell me something good
Moo – that’s what most humans hear when we open our mouth. The truth is though to us a simple moo is only half of the story. Let’s take for instance the other day when Allen came to visit.
It was a warm Spring Day here at the pasture and Allen like he does every morning came to milk me. Why humans feel the need to drink my milk is beyond me. I personally find it rather discussing. Yes I admit it – I have tasted my own milk. Please don’t ask me how. I’d rather not repeat the embarrassing story.
But anyway, I like it when Allen is here. He is gentle and rather talkative unlike the others. He was talking the other day about Ms. Margret.
“I really do love her, but I don’t know how to tell her,” he said.
I tried to answer by telling him how I came up with the courage to ask Bella out. Ah, Bella! She’s the most beautiful cow in the entire pasture. A few moons back, I wound up finding the courage to ask her to the drinking well with me. I had went over in my mind about 100x prior to that day how I’d do it. Would I just bluntly ask her? Maybe I’d ask her out with some straw sticks written out in the barn of ‘Bella, will you go out with me?’
The minute I found out her and Jerald broke up, I knew it was a sign that I had to ask her out. I waited good moons before I did though. I didn’t want to just be a rebound for her.
As Allen sat there telling me how much he cared for Ms. Margret I wanted to tell him that he just needed to do it. I really do hate that we can understand humans but they can’t understand anything beyond the Moo.
When I asked Bella out that day in the barn, I felt so stupid. First off, my straw stick idea didn’t work. I got the word “Bella” written out in straw but I couldn’t find enough straw sticks to write out the rest of it. It was rather embarrassing too when she walked up behind me as I was doing it and asked me what I was doing writing her name in straw. “Busted!” I thought. So I turned around, red faced and all (well okay not really – I’m a cow we don’t get red faced) and told her what I was trying to do. I guess she thought the gesture was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her because she began to cry. She then proceeded to tell me that had I asked her out many moons ago, she would had rather go out with me instead of Jerald. Damn, did I feel stupid for waiting so long to ask her out!
To make a long story short, we had fun at the water well that day and have for many moons now.
As Allen finished milking me, I saw a sparkle in his eye as he said “You know what, I’m just going to do it.” Maybe him talking to me helped after all because the next day I noticed him and Ms. Margret get into one of those electronic buggies together and drive off.
Oh how I really wish humans and cows could communicate. I have so many questions like why they ride in electronic buggies? Where does that take you?
Maybe one day it’ll happen. Yes one day!
Free Write Friday – v.11 – The Affair Heard All Over Tucson
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Kellie Elmore posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
In honor of warming weather, let’s heat things up a bit. Write about an affair. It can be about you having an affair, someone you know, you partner/spouse, the neighbor, the preacher…whoever you choose. Just give us a “fly on the wall” peak inside! What lies are being told? How is the cheater making it work without getting caught? Or are they getting away with it after-all? Think “Big Brother” and give us the scoop!
Authors Note: IF I had more time I’d make this WAY more detailed and in depth but I just don’t! You’ll have to read Part 3 to Affair of the Mind for the FULL, IN YOUR FACE, sexual details! This little story/narrative does NOT TRULY give the relationship of Justin Lenox and Elliot Charles justice but this is what you get … FOR NOW! Thanks to Jar and Craig for your input in the telling of this story!
“I normally don’t agree with the concept of two people having an affair, but I think in this circumstance I’ll make an exception. Justin and Elliot are what give me hope. They are the definition of what true love is. If two people can get through what they have gone through and still end up together, then I have to believe that at the end of the day all you need is love. Because true love is the one thing that can survive anything.” – Ann Mathews, An Affair of the Mind
Narrator: It’ll be three years this coming September, do you feel guilty?
Justin: No.
Narrator: Did you at the time?
Justin: If I said no, that would make me a cold hearted bastard wouldn’t? The honest answer though is no. I was in a bad place at that point in my life. 2009 was for sure a year of ups and downs. Falling in love though was certainly not a down moment. So did I feel guilty about falling in love? No. Did I feel guilty about having a secret affair behind people’s backs – no! Everyone deserved what they got in this story and in the end everyone is better off then they were. So why should I ever feel guilty about that?
Narrator: Elliot?
Elliot: I felt guilty. I had been with Jacob for two years. I thought I had met the one guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was comfortable. I was content you could say. We worked. Jacob and I clicked and up until the day I kissed Justin we really didn’t have any problems. I thought Jacob was the one and I am sure Jacob thought I was it as well. We had our lives planned out together, and then one day I kiss Justin, end up having sex with him, and fall madly in love with the man who is supposed to be my best friend. Do I feel guilty? Yes and unlike Justin, I probably always will.
Free Write Friday – v.8 – Love IS Blind (and pink)
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Magic In The Backyard posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
You must write about something you love and it must be something you can hold in both hands BUT WAIT, there’s more… You cannot tell what it is. Yes, you read that right… I want you to pretend I already know and describe why you love it so much. Convince me to love it too. Go deeper than what it looks like, tell me how it makes you feel when you use/hold/see/ it. Be as abstract as you wish, just be sure to leave us guessing!
Okay I’m going to be up front and honest here: I DON’T FEEL GOOD!! And I really am NOT in the mood to write an abstract blog full of thought and progress. With that said here is my little Free Write Friday posting.
Sorry it’s not as “cool” or “abstract” as it should be:
What I love and can hold in both hands
It is pink
With a white trim
Sometimes it talks to me/sometimes it doesn’t
We don’t always understand one another
Sometimes it questions what I’m saying and asks me to repeat or rephrase
I wish we understood each other more
However we get along pretty well
When I’m bored and need a “friend” it is always there
Sometimes I’ll hold it in my hands and it’ll comfort me when I’m having a sad day
Other times it just sits there and stares at me
It’s small, but never forgotten
I love it and I know deep down it loves me too
I could not imagine life without it …
What is “it?”
Free Write Friday – v.7 – To My Love
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Magic In The Backyard posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
I’m going to be honest – THIS WAS NOT TODAY’S PROMPT! I didn’t like today’s prompt! I actually wrote something based on today’s prompt, re-read what I wrote (I know it’s against the rules but … I like to break the rules every now and then), and decided it was a little too “dark” (even for me – the author of the Riddler) to post. So I went through the Free Write Friday archives and found this prompt which is what I am basing today’s “Free Write Friday” post on! (Since it was Valentine’s Day this week and all)
To My Love:
I believe in fairy tales. I believe in the “can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about you” love stories that you only see in movies. Based on my experience in life, fairy tales should not exist. People fall in and out of love, people stay together for all the wrong reasons, and 9 times out of 10 no one fights for anyone anymore. My parents are together because of comfort and obligation not because they are truly, madly deeply in love, my brother is divorced after getting into a marriage he never should have gotten into in the first place, and every guy prior to meeting you I have ever truly madly deeply cared about was gay (and they wouldn’t turn straight for me either). Yet I still believe in fairy tales. I still believe in that “Taylor Swift” love story coming true, and I do because of you.
I’m not going to say we have had the easiest first year of marriage. We’ve seen our fair share of heartbreak and hard times, but I think it’s those moments and those experiences that bring two people closer. If it wasn’t for the bad, we wouldn’t appreciate the good so much.
I can’t speak for you, but I can speak for myself when I say: I honestly believe everything I went through in my life has lead me to you. I’ve never believed in God. I have always found it hard to honestly believe in a higher power and in the concept of dying and going to some magical place for eternity. And I won’t say that now I do, but you have made me second guess the concept because when I think back on everything I went through and all the choices I made to get to where I am today: I have to wonder if there was not a higher hand in it all. Had I not made certain choices, had I gone left instead of right, I wouldn’t be here. I honestly believe everything I have done has lead me to you, and you are the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. You are my soul mate, my best friend, and my lover.
Love to me IS about sacrifice, about compromise, and about trust. It’s about being there for the other when times are bad and it’s about being able to open up to that person despite how difficult the subject matter might be. It’s also about being there for the person when times are good and about sharing life together. I am sure we have not seen our end of hard times nor heartache, but I do know that because of you in my life the journey will be a little bit easier. I hope you know I will always be here for you through good times and bad till death do us part.
I have hope, I have faith and I have something to go home to because of you. You are what completes me. You are not what makes me, but you are what completes me.
I believe you and I have a story to tell our grandchildren one day, and maybe it’s not some “Taylor Swift fairy tale love story” where prince charming falls in love with his princess and they live in some castle with a white picket fence and fairy god mothers, but it’s still our story.
I love you today like I loved you yesterday and I will love you tomorrow, with my whole heart and soul. Our love grows more and more each day and I am thankful to be able to call you my husband, my best friend, and my soul mate.
Happy Valentine’s Day
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Don’t Give Up
“I have to believe he’ll come back for you. I don’t believe in God. I find it hard to believe in an imaginary figure that creates serial killers and forces people to suffer with incurable diseases such as cancer. So I put all my hope and all my faith in humanity. So for that reason I have to believe he’ll come back for you. I have to believe in that Taylor Swift love story. That at the end of the day all we need is love, and that no matter what humanity will fight for that. I have to believe he’ll come back because if I can’t believe in the concept of love than you tell me what is this life really worth living for?” – Ann Mathews, After the Affair
I use to believe in a type of love that could surpass time. That “can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about you” love. The kind of love that could make it through anything and still be held together.
I use to believe in hope. I use to believe that if you just have a little faith and a little hope, that everything will be okay in the end.
My friend once said I was the most “nonreligious religious person” he knew.
I lost that hope and that belief somewhere along the way though. Somewhere between losing a best friend to an unexplained death, to the economy collapsing, to my mother getting cancer – I lost that hope and that belief I once so desperately believed in.
So to sit here and try and convince someone that in the end love will win and that he will walk through those doors because he loves you and that’s all that matters – well it kind of makes me a hypocrite doesn’t it?
I don’t believe in God. I have tried and every time I try to grasp the concept of there being some creator who is all mighty and powerful, I just can’t believe it. I don’t understand a God who claims to love you when he creates serial killers, cancer, and an unstable world.
I have always put my faith in humanity. In the hopes that one day we will get it right, yet now a days humanity just seems to disappoint me. So what do I believe in? What do I believe in when everything I was so naive to believe in as a child doesn’t really exist?
I believe in love. Do I believe in that ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about you’ love? I don’t know. Joey didn’t chose Dawson.
Right? Why am I basing my concept of love around a stupid TV show? I don’t know. Joey didn’t chose Dawson, Justin didn’t end up with Timothy, James left, and in the end I really don’t think Bella ends up with Edward? Life doesn’t play out the way we want it written.
But it’s not to say I don’t believe in love. I am in love. I am married to the love of my life. So there’s still that hope that on certain occasions Joey does chose Dawson.
I guess my point is – don’t give up. When life disappoints you and brings you down and you are sitting there crying your eyes out, it’ll be okay. I always say in the end – we’ll all be okay and if it’s NOT okay well it’s NOT the end.
Life isn’t easy and it’s certainly not the story we picture in our heads at 16 years old, but it’s still OUR story! We still own control of it!
So have hope. Have faith and believe in that ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking of you’ love. Because maybe he won’t walk through those doors but one day someone will.
So watch too much Will and Grace, listen to Adam Lambert too load going down the free way, and smile. Most of all smile because the problems of today will one day be something you look back at and laugh too.
Oh and one more thing – you’re never alone.
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Every blog post, video, and photo gallery from the years 1999-Present Day.
If you are interested in reading the Diaries of Ann Mathews, those blogs written around the Affair of the Mind Series, please head over to the Affair of the Mind website to read those Archives.
