R.I.P – Spiky
It is with great sadness that I inform you all that we lost a dear member of our family Saturday night. Spiky was the first pet Cory and I ever got together.
He was greatly loved and will be missed dearly. We honestly have no idea what happened. I fed them a carrot like I do every morning on Saturday. Saturday was a busy day. Suddenlink came and installed new Tivo boxes for us and then Cory and I left to go see The Great Gatsby with the parents (it was a good movie by the way. The book of course is always better and the movie totally left out the love story of Nick and Ms. Baker but whatever) and then we went to dinner at McDonald’s. When we came home we watched some TV and I went to close the blinds above the pig cage and moved their food bowl. Ms. Piggy moved but Spiky didn’t move and I found it odd. He was laying inside their big pink igloo. I mean he has laid in there before but whenever I move their food bowl or try and pick them up he always moves. I went and moved the igloo but he didn’t move. I knew then something was wrong and he more than likely passed away. I told Cory to come over and Cory confirmed it.
Spiky was always mute. He never did talk the entire time we had him. Ms. Piggy talked for the both of them so if something was wrong we wouldn’t have known.
I just hope he passed away in his sleep and wasn’t in any pain.
We will miss you Spiky!
R.I.P – Spiky Hall 2010-2013
Ps – Ms. Piggy is doing ok. She misses her buddy but she’s still her piggy self. We think she’ll be fine. I thought about getting another but Cory said no cause we honestly don’t have the time to dedicate to bringing a new one into our home at the moment. Maybe later though. For the moment – Ms. Piggy is ok – as long as she has her food. She is a pig after all.
Read More
The Magical Button of Truth
He makes it sound like all I have to do is go hit this magical button and everything will just lay itself out like it’s supposed to, but sadly that’s not how life works
“I think you spend too much time separating yourself from Ann Mathews. You’re Sarah stop trying to pretend Ann and you are two different people. This isn’t part 3 anymore. You can stop playing the crazy schizophrenic.” – Justin
Okay another one of Sarah’s not so brilliant ideas. I wanted an ending to Affair of the Mind. A believable one to satisfy not only those who actually believed me (like Amber Brooks) but to satisfy those that never would (like Tom Lenal). So I said I made it up. I separated Ann Mathews and Sarah Markham-Hall the day I told Tom, Amber and Joey that I was a crazy schizophrenic and there really was no Justin Lenox.
“I’m going to be blunt – Joey is dead, Amber and you don’t talk anymore and you probably never will, and Tom Lenal is Tom Lenal. He’s always going to be so wrapped up in himself that he’ll never notice anyone besides his own shadow. Timothy made a point that night we had dinner – no one gives a shit. So just post it. Post it all. Who cares if names are decoded to depict their character name or if it makes since to anyone – just post it because honestly no one besides Ms. Jackson is going to ever read your entire blog archive from beginning to end and if they do – they must really love you.” – Justin Lenox
I don’t think my hesitation to post the Archives as one person has anything to do with the past. I can go and post those blogs from 1999 – 2009 right now. It’s the blogs after that. The last three years’ worth that I’m not ready to discuss.
I’m not ready to re-post the blogs regarding Kris and I’s relationship in the beginning, the trials and fears of dating an HIV+ man. I’m not ready to re-post the story of Lambert Elliot and what really happened with drugs, illegal pregnancies and Elliot landing in prison. I’m not ready to re-post the entries dealing with the downfall of Amber Brooks and Ann Mathews. I’m not ready to discuss Joey Scott’s death and the emotions behind losing my best friend so quickly. And I am for sure not ready to openly admit my relationship with Justin Lenox since the loss of our child.
So maybe it’s not about the archives that talk about Part 2, about the death of Michael Hart, about my downfall with Mary at Jewel or even about my failed relationship with Bobby Blue. It’s not about that. It’s not even about James Black and how throughout my entire relationship with Bobby all I kept wondering and praying for was for James to come back and chose ME over drugs. I’m ready to re-live the mistakes I made with my family, my time in juvi, and even what it was like to pretend to be a schizophrenic.
But I’m NOT ready to re-live the past three years.
So maybe it’s not about Ann Mathews vs Sarah Markham-Hall in the context that you think it is. It took me 7 years to be able to honestly sit down and write what I have so far of AOTM and what happened with Michael. So I’m sure it’s going to take another 7 years to open up about the past three years of my life.
“I think at the end of the day you have to stop caring about what everyone else thinks and just be you. You once told me ‘don’t let the world bring you down’ so Sarah – don’t let the world bring you down either.” – Justin
Maybe in order to face our fear we need to just embrace it.
But Mr. Lenox – sometimes it’s not as easy as hitting a button.
Lambert, Joey & A Guilt I’ll Never Get Over
So let’s see who all pays attention to my blog because if you know me and you can decode this – you SHOULD be up in arms about it.
So I had dinner with Jackson and her wife on Thursday night (you know – Christina Jackson but everyone always calls her Jackson – inside joke) . Anyway I’ll write about the dinner and all my happenings in Omaha in another blog post. This post is dedicated to something she informed me of during our dinner conversation.
So I always knew there was SOMETHING between Joey Scott and Josh Randolph. Josh was way too guilty after Joey died. He acted like he had a secret to hide and to this day he still does. But what that secret was, I could never figure it out. I had my speculations: a love affair, HIV, HPV, drugs, sex … oh yes I had my speculations. In fact a whole blog was once written around the topic of HIV, sex and a love affair. Like most of my Affair of the Mind stories that for all intentional purposes should have been something I just made up off the top of my head – the story of Josh Randolph and Joey Scott was really NOT that far from the truth.
I spent almost the entire ride back home to Lakeworth Friday afternoon on the phone with Justin crying. It hit me as the plane landed down at the Phoenix Skyharbor Airport that the words I had written on Facebook the night prior were far too true. I wrote Thursday night on facebook the following: I am the most open person you will ever meet – my entire life is posted on the internet for the entire world to see and read and I won’t ever change – however the minute I put a face to the name Justin Lenox is the minute my story becomes a reality which is why you will never see photos, videos or any other media related to the four main characters of Affair of the Mind – it doesn’t mean they aren’t real and it doesn’t mean my story isn’t true – but I love Justin Lenox and despite what ANY of you think or say – I may write the story but I won’t put him in jail. The photos, the videos and the truth will be released on the day the last one of us dies – it’s called loyalty and love and think what u want of me but I will always love Justin Lenox and I will always protect him despite if that makes me a bad person or not
What I didn’t realize when I posted it was that I chose Justin over Joey Scott, and even after what Jackson told me Thursday night it didn’t hit me until the plane landed in Phoenix that I am just as guilty as Josh over the death of Joey Scott.
I know – Joey died of complications related to a disease many said was inherited And maybe that’s true, but I will NEVER stop feeling guilty over his death as I am sure neither will Josh.
Jackson told me that Joey was in love with his best friend. They had many sexual encounters and Josh always told him he loved him and wanted to be with him … and this was all before Kristopher Hall came into the picture. I knew Joey loved him. I didn’t know that back in 2006 but I knew that the day I asked Joey about him back in 09. What I didn’t know was the extent of their relationship. Joey wouldn’t tell me, and now I know why.
I asked Justin if I hadn’t of moved to Tucson in 2005 if I could have saved him. Was it the drugs that lead to his disease? Was it his undying love for Josh Randolph that destroyed the man I once knew, admired and loved? Had I NOT left would he still be alive? Justin’s reply was – I will never know and I can’t live my entire life wondering what if.
But I chose Justin over Joey and when asked if I could go back and save Joey over Justin – would I? If I could go back, knowing that he would still be alive today but Justin would end up in prison – would I have saved him instead of Justin Lenox?
….
I can’t answer that.
I need a reason. I have needed a reason since the day Joey died. I have needed a reason of WHY! I thought Kris was my reason. Had I never met Justin, I never would have fallen in love with Kris because I never would have emerged myself in the gay community of Lakeworth, Arizona. But Kris isn’t it. Joey loved Josh way before Kris came along.
I need my reason back. I need to know why I keep choosing him over everyone else.
So is our agreement the reason? Is Lambert Robi Elliot the reason why?
I hope so because I cannot live with myself knowing had I chose a different path Joey would still be alive. So if Lambert isn’t our reason … than you tell me – how does After the Affair end?
Robi Scott – You’ll Forever Be In My Heart
Three years ago today I lost one of my best friends. It was an unexpected death that to this day still hurts. Robi Scott was an amazing person who would have given you the shirt off his back on a cold winter day. He is one of the few people who loved me for me, and I will always hold a special place in my heart for him.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I often wonder what life would have been like had we not lost him 3 years ago. What would he say if he was still here? There’s so many things I want to talk to him about and I want to ask him.
I am sure he would yell at me for not keeping up with this blog. I know I don’t update like I use too. I guess it’s safe to say I’m not the person I was before Robi died, and I’m not going to say that it was his death that made it so, but the Sarah Robi knew is not the girl that sits here today.
I made a promise to Robi though when he died. I promised to keep up with this site (it was sarahmarkham.com back then) and to finish Affair of the Mind. I’m still working on both. One of the last things Robi said to me that I will always carry with me is this: If what you want is to stop fighting then stop. But only stop fighting because it’s what you want to do not because someone is forcing you too. He said it at the time in regards to my battle with Ms. Fremont and the whole ‘lesbian’ thing and also my battle with Rainbow River Pride. But I think what he said still holds true – only stop fighting because you want too.
I don’t believe in religion, and I don’t believe in God(s) but I know things happen for a reason. If any good came out of Robi’s passing, it was that I met my current husband. I honestly believe had Robi not passed away, the events that unfolded after his death would not have happened and Cory and I would not be together. Cory and I met at his funeral and had Robi not died I never would have added Mr. Randolph to facebook. And I know none of you get why me accepting Randolph as a friend on facebook means anything, but it does. I had a pack with Justin to never under any circumstances date anyone who had any relations to Josh. EVER! It was our pack. I blamed Randolph for everything that happened in Part 1, 2 and 3 of AOTM. But Robi died, and hatred and grudges (especially unfounded ones) no longer had meaning. So you can understand or you cannot understand but had I never let that unfounded grudge go – I never would have gotten with Cory.
I miss Robi. I miss our fun times, our inside jokes, our moments … I miss him (and Tina too). 
I believe I was supposed to move back to Havasu to reconcile my friendship with him so he would move back to Havasu and get to spend his last year with his mother. Things happen, people fall in line, and the choices you make have an effect on everybody. If I have learned ONE thing from writing and living An Affair of the Mind, it is that EVERYbody is connected. EVERYBODY!
Life’s funny. It just amazes me how things turned out. How ten years later – here we are. Ten years later …
Ten years later we will all sit down in a room together, eat dinner and laugh. Ironic – how I was right? Because ten years later – that’s exactly what we’re going to do.
I wish you were still here Robi.
I miss you and I hope you know how much you changed my life both in life and in death.
Sliced Wrists
Written in September 2007
She slices her wrist till there’s no blood to pour
She’s lost in world where she has nothing left to care for
She’ll kill herself tonight as she bleeds in the silent night
She lost all her dignity and all her strength in this never ending fight
You tell me what there is left to care
When all that matters is this bloody affair
You tell me why we cry here today
When did the night not become day
She’ll slice her wrist till there’s no blood to pour
Please someone giver her something to live for
The blood will run down her arm tonight
This is how the little girl will lose her fight
One more suicide one more death
One more lost soul lies in this bed
One more dead body to add to the list
One more silent killer will get away in Heavenly Bliss
She’ll Slice her wrist till there’s no blood to pour
She’ll die in the silence; she has nothing to live for
She’ll kill herself on this dreadful night
Where were you all along in this fight?
The Riddler
In honor of Friday the 13th and because it’s such a rainy, droopy day in Lake Havasu today: I have decided to post the Prologue to the Riddler. Yes, the Riddler is returning. I said I’d bring it back in July of 2012 and it’s July of 2012. Click here to read the first couple of Chapters and more after that once I get them posted.
So here is the prologue!! Grab some popcorn and enjoy!
Oh and I supposed I better post the disclaimer cause this story is NOT meant for EVERYONE!
WARNING: This story is rated NC-17 for violent subject matter, explicit sexual activity, and vulgar language. Reader discretion is advised.
The Riddler
Written by Sarah Hall
Based off the Original Riddler wrote in 2002.
Prologue
December 2001
The rain beat down heavily onto Stamper Street. It was a cold dark night; colder than usual for the small town of Kingman, Arizona. Not one star could be seen in the night sky, as the thunder clashed louder and louder into the night.
As the cold rain slowly started to turn into ice cold hail, Jarred Lenal stared at the blue trimmed stucco house he had grown up in the past 17 years. The darkness of the night and lack of streetlights on Stamper Street made the light of the lightning streaks the only light lighting the path to Jarred’s once peaceful home.
He stared up at the house he had once called home with a cold star almost as cold as the night air around him. Tonight was a night Jarred had longed for since he was five years old. The day the once peaceful home turned into a horrific nightmare. The courage and anger that had built up inside of him for over 12 years had finally landed him to where he stood today. Tonight was the night Jarred vowed to end the horrific nightmare he had been living.
Read MoreFree Write Friday – v.20
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Kellie Elmore posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
This short film, a collaboration with Project Imagin8ion and Ron Howard and directed by Howard’s daughter, Bryce Dallace; is an exquisite blend of reality, the paranormal, spirituality and the human condition. Inspired by 8 winning photographs which you will view following the film. Set aside 25 minutes to watch “When You Find Me” and then free write for me about how this made you feel. Did it leave an impression on you? What did you take away from this?
Death – I can’t say it’s never touched my life, but it all out honesty until the year 2010 – it hadn’t. My grandfather died when I was little girl, but I was far too little to even really grasp the concept of it. Until 2010, death hadn’t touched me. Until 2010 – life was untouchable. Life was magical, life was anything you wanted it to be and then one night I went to bed and I knew somewhere deep down that the magical, untouchable, anything is possible life that I had been living where death had never touched was over.
When Robi died I waited and waited and waited and waited some more to feel this “spiritual” connection with what people call his “soul” but it never came. Sometimes I hate to say it but I think I was more spiritual before Robi died. Before death touched my life I think I believed more. I have never believed in God or the concept of an afterlife, but I think I use to believe in something. I believed in humanity, in dreams, in that ‘magical’ life where anything is possible and then death touched my life. I thought after Robi died that something would happen. Death had never touched my life before really so I guess despite the fact I never believed in a God, I had this crazy, stupid, hope that maybe I was wrong. Maybe God did exist and maybe there IS something more out there. So I waited, but nothing came.
His other friends would write on his wall after he died about how he came to them in their dreams. He never came to me. It’s like he just died. There was nothing. He was just gone.
I wrote a post last weekend about expectations. Jared use to call me the most “spiritual non-religious person he knew” and then Robi died. Maybe I had expectations that I never use to mention aloud. Expectations that there was a God, and that there was an afterlife. Expectations that we didn’t just DIE and then Robi died. I was always that girl who aloud would be like “I don’t believe in a God” but deep down I guess I always hoped I was wrong. But there was nothing. No sign, no dream … nothing. He just died.
I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in an afterlife, and I guess I’m no longer that “spiritual non-religious” girl either.
Death – I don’t think it’s dying that I’m afraid of. I think its living. I’m afraid that I won’t be remembered and I am that girl who HAS to be remembered.
You know what’s funny? The night after his funeral I went to a bar. I had drinks with my future husband (only I didn’t know he was my future husband at the time), I got drunk for the first time, did things I probably shouldn’t repeat and woke up the next day and ate a Shawnman sandwich. Life’s funny that way.
. . . . .
Okay is there a rewind button? Hello!! REWIND!! ::searches for it::
Let’s just scratch what I just wrote and re-start over. In the process of writing what I just wrote something came over me. Something I never realized before until I wrote the last paragraph: The night after his funeral I went to a bar. I had drinks with my future husband (only I didn’t know he was my future husband at the time), I got drunk for the first time, did things I probably shouldn’t repeat and woke up the next day and ate a Shawnman sandwich. Life’s funny that way.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I spent SO much time searching for this sign, this dream, this in my face thing that I missed the entire concept. Robi wouldn’t come to me in a dream because he knew I’d wake up and laugh it off in one of my blog posts like it was nothing. He couldn’t give me a physical sign because I’d find some way to laugh that off in a blog post as well (with pictures). No! It’s not about dreams or physical signs – that wasn’t the point.
Robi came to me in the only way I would pay attention: my story.
Everything happens for a reason! That’s the point.
“You’re the most spiritual non-religious person I know,” he laughed.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you believe in people.”
“I believe in you ….”
Closure.
That was the point.
Maybe there is a God after all ….
It Was Just A Dream
He wasn’t Jared. I can tell you that much, but maybe his character was based off of him. Wait can you call a person in a dream a character? Hmmm? Well either way – he wasn’t Jared.
But he was evil, mean, manipulating, and yes he probably could have gotten away with my murder.
Why do we dream what we dream? Why do I have dreams of some stranger (okay maybe partially based off of Jared) attempting to kill me while people who are supposed to love and adore me do nothing but stand there and watch it happen? Why does it take some stranger whom I’ve never met before to come stop this man from strangling me to death? And why do we wake up from such dreams and actually are able to feel the hands of this person around our neck?
I use to have this re-occurring dream. Well okay I still to do. Not as often as I use to but every once in a while. In this dream I would die by the hands of Mr. Lenox himself. Usually the settings are different and even the circumstances but the point is I always die. I always die from a knife.
What do I our dreams mean? Am I destined to one day die by the hands of some person holding a knife or trying to choke the living life out of me?
Dreams – will forever be a mystery to me.
Maybe I should start writing my dreams down instead of keeping them inside my mind. Cause I usually remember my dreams.
What Would Robi Say?
What would Robi say if he were still alive today? Would he be proud of me or would he be disappointed in the choices I have made with my life?
I really shouldn’t sit here and re-read old journal entries that are locked away under an encrypted password protected section of my site. I mean after all – they are put away under lock and key for a reason right? Yet here I am – two months shy of the 2 year anniversary of Robi’s death – finding myself re-reading the entry I wrote on the day he died.
I don’t know what Im suppose to do. I’ve never had somebody die who I was this close too before. My grandpa died when I was five but I was really too young to fully comprehend what had happened. I guess I need to do the only thing I know how to do – blog.
Blogging has always been my passion. It has always been my way to cope, to comprehended and to survive. Yet now a days I find blogging to be more of a “chore” then really a passion. My blog isn’t what it use to be. It’s not the “in your face, this is me, I don’t give a fuck” blog. It use to be the talk of the town. It landed me in jail, I lost a job due to it, and friends have come and gone over the years due to the very words once posted in my own personal online, public diary. But now a days it is filled with useless information and weekly rants. It’s not that I don’t like doing Wordless Wednesday or Coke and Love Thursday – but blogging has become more a chore than it has a documentation of my life. I guess I kind of miss the “this is me, I don’t give a fuck” girl who use to write about what was real and about what was true. If that girl still existed today – my blog would not be filled with butterflies, flowers and Easter eggs.
Robi always was that kind of person who encouraged you to do what you loved to do.
One of the last comments he left on one of my membership only blogs in reference to the drama with RRP and the drama with Brenda was this “Your a brilliantly strong woman, so if your done fighting. Let it be because YOUR ready to stop fighting. Not because someone says you can’t anymore. I was ready to quiet every club I was in, take my site down, and just give up. But he wrote me a long comment (there was more to it but I won’t post the entire thing) and he reminded me who I was. I was Sarah – the girl who fights for what she believes in because I want to. Because of him the site stayed up, and I went and I will continue to fight for my rights and beliefs.
What would Robi say today? Would he feel I gave in to society’s demands? Would he feel that I lost myself and let the world bring me down? Would he support me or be disappointed? I don’t fight anymore. I stopped going to MCRCC meetings and the last time I went to an LGBT event was to their Halloween Party. I stopped fighting. I hardly write political blogs anymore – what’s the point. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want to fight anymore or because I just lost the spirit to. There’s this part of me that would LOVE to go the MCRCC meeting and tell Ron Gould exactly what I think of him, and there’s this part of me that would love to get involved with the LGBT movement again, but for one reason or another I just can’t find it in me to want to fight anymore.
It’s also because of Robi that Affair of the Mind will continue. I remember it was the night back in August or September of 2009 that I had told Robi the truth about the Affair of the Mind. I told him I didn’t want to write it. I was so afraid of what people would think if they found out the ‘truth.’ He said who cares and then he joked that half the people would still think I’m just crazy anyway so no harm done. Lol! He encouraged me to continue the story and The Riddler too.
Guess what Robi? I’m STILL five chapters away from being done with Part 1. At least Jared’s not trying to sue me anymore over the story. He actually is supporting me writing it. Ironic huh? But event with his support, I just can’t seem to bring myself to write it. I think I spent so many years trying to perfect the story and trying to create this “perfect” ending that I got lost in it. Maybe I don’t want to finish it. Finishing it would mean putting an ending to the only thing that I have known for the past 10 years. I don’t know why I can’t finish five chapters. I don’t want people to hate me and I don’t want people to hate him, and maybe that’s why. They’ll hate us. It’s not about if they believe us or not, it’s about how I portray people in the story. How do you make someone a monster yet at the same time make them an amazing, wonderful person? I feel stuck. I want to write it. I want the truth told, and I need some sort of closure beyond what I have, but you’ve been gone almost two years and I’m still in the same spot I was when you left. The same goes for the Riddler. It’s like I’ve lost my mojo for story writing. I use to be good at making up stories. Hello! Part 2 and 3! Lol! But now – I can’t even think of a story good enough to tell my parents why we got rid of our dog. Sad huh?
He stood by me through and was there for me through everything this past year – Baby Lambert drama, my fallout with Tommy, Brooke and me’s fight, RRP, Brenda, etc etc. He was ALWAYS there for me and I can’t thank him enough for that. I hope he knows how much it meant to me and how much his memory will truly change my life.
Ah, Robi! What would you say about Brooke and I? Would you call me a hypocrite? I gave Jared HOW many chances and have forgiven him for things far worse than what she has done yet here we are. What would you say? How would our lives all be different had you not left us?
I still think about you and miss you dearly every day.
Free Write Friday – v.5 – The $1 Million Question
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Magic In The Backyard posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
You are cleaning out your attic when you find an old dusty box you’ve never noticed before. You open it to find stacks of hundred dollar bills and a note that says, “Here’s your cut, see you in Mexico”. There is no signature. Start writing whatever floods your mind at this thought and tell me a story…
“Mexico? I thought we agreed on England!! Since when did you turn into a white trash fugitive!” I exclaimed throwing the note back into the box. It had been two days since my mother’s funeral and 2 years since we said goodbye to my dad. I knew this day was coming. However, I wasn’t in the least bit ready for it.
“Mexico?” I repeatedly asked myself over and over again. “Did I miss something?” I picked up the note again to make sure I had read it right. There was no way one could confuse Mexico with England. But that wasn’t the plan. The plan was to go to England. So what happened between the year 2007 and 2022 that made him change the meeting place to Mexico?
15 Years Earlier
December 2007
“You know I just want to go. I just want to get on that private fake jet of yours and just go somewhere,” I said as we both sat on his back patio facing the Catalina Mountains in Oro Valley, Arizona.
“Okay let’s go,” he smiled at me.
“Yeah okay, let’s go find that fake jet of yours and fly away to never never land. Better yet, let’s just go steal one of those plans from Luke Air Force Base in Phoenix.”
“Okay,” he laughed.
“Where did our lives go so wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “But one day you and me, we’re going to be ok. We’re going to take the money, run away and never look back. You do realize that’s an option today, right?”
“Yes let’s take your drug dealing, x-dead boyfriends money, run away, and never return,” I replied sarcastically. “No that is not an option.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t just leave. My grandma has cancer, my mom might have cancer, my dad is too far gone on pain meds and psychological medication to even comprehend what is happening so no running away right now with your dead x boyfriends drug money is not an option.”
“Fine, but I want you and I to make a deal.”
“What?” I asked turning to face him.
“When your parents die, you and me will take that money, get on a plan, fly to England and fake our own deaths.”
“Really?” I asked with a touch of humor in my voice. “And how are we going to fake our own deaths?”
“We’ll stage some car accident where the bodies are burned far beyond recognition or identity.”
“And where do you intend on finding two bodies to burn in some staged car accident?”
“The cemetery. Where else?”
“You are dead serious aren’t you?” I laughed.
“Completely dead serious.”
As I thought back on our conversation in late December of 2007, a smile crossed my face. “Damn you!” I yelled in the silence of the room. “You really were dead serious, but what about the staging of our death?”
I pulled the money out of the box looking for another note that hopefully stated how our deaths would be planned out and where to meet him. After all, it had been 5 years since I last saw him.
And then I saw it. At the very bottom of the box a flash drive. I quickly located my Ipad and 25 in-one card reader adapter to find the flash drive encrypted with a password. “What could it be?” I asked myself and then it hit me just as fast as I said it. “Ah of course,” I said aloud as I typed the password into the text box. As soon as I hit the enter key, a message appeared on my screen from him:
The top note was to throw off anyone who might have found this box prior to you. I am sure whoever did is on their way to Mexico right now. I knew you’d be smart enough to find this box. You always know when something is out of place. I also knew you’d be smart enough to find the flash drive barred at the bottom, and I knew with careful thought you’d remember our secret code. Your plane leaves Monday at 9am from Phoenix. You will find a one way ticket waiting for you at Will Call under the name Jennifer Smithial. You will find your fake ID and a credit card waiting for you at LakeRidge Inn Gym in locker #454. I will meet you in England. Don’t worry about the staging of your death part. I already took care of it …
Free Write Friday – v.4 – A Book Titled You
Free writing — also called stream-of-consciousness writing — is a prewriting technique in which a person writes continuously for a set period of time without regard to spelling, or grammar. It produces raw, often unusable material, but helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and self-criticism. It is used mainly by prose writers and writing teachers. Some writers use the technique to collect initial thoughts and ideas on a topic, often as a preliminary to formal writing. Each Friday Magic In The Backyard posts a prompt for everyone to write off of. Check out the site to see all prompts and start Free Write Friday your own.
Here is Today’s Prompt:
You have just died! You come to find yourself standing at a bookshelf when you notice that there is a book that has your name on it. What do you do? What do you fear? Do you open it? What does it say?
There it is! In the blink of an eye, my entire life had flashed through my mind, and in another blink it was gone. Here I stood. Was I in another realm? A different universe? Could people see me? Was I even really dead? Or maybe this was heaven? I really wasn’t sure. I knew however it was 3:00p.m. because of the clock that hung above the counter as you entered the library. What day, month or even year it was, was a mystery.
The last thing I remember is seeing the headlights of the car about to slam head on into mind as I drive down the Loop 101 on my way home from work. Everything after was a blur until I woke up here, in this library, with the book titled “The Life & Story of Sarah Hall” staring back at me from the book shelf above.
I reached up to grab it to find on the cover something I had never expected or anticipated. It was me and him. I remembered the picture well. It was taken in the summer of 2004. One of the best summers of my life as I recall. He was holding me in his arms, we were smiling, and in the background were desert, palm trees and his pool. The photo looked photo shopped a bit. I don’t recall sand ever being a part of his backyard.
I opened the book to read the dedication inside:
“To my best friend, my partner in crime, and the keeper of my secrets. This is for you.”
I smiled as I knew the contents of this book contained exactly what I had wanted them to contain: my life. The one request I had should I happen to die was to have my book finished. And now here it was, in my hand, finished and completed.
I looked at the copy right date on the book: December 23rd, 2022. Ten years after my death!
I know it’s a little short today, but that is all I want to write! : ) Hope you enjoyed!
We’re All Okay – Day 3
Well today was a busy day back at the office! I get to work to find my desk piled high with paper work and Christmas cards. I spent most of the day going through emails, scanning files, and adding or crossing off people on the boss’s Xmas card list. Lol! I can say by the end of the day all the Christmas cards were read, I can see my desk again and my email doesn’t have 57 unread messages. Not bad though for being gone for two weeks. Work was busy today. Not busy as in anybody called or came in busy but busy as in I had something to keep me occupied all day busy.
Anyway so beyond my day, I’d like to talk about something that was on my mind today. I got an email before Christmas saying that a person dear to me had passed away. Now I didn’t know her real well. We talked once a month for no more than an hour. I didn’t know her outside the Republican Women Luncheons every 2nd Monday of the month, but she was still someone I enjoyed talking too and one of those people that maybe you don’t “really” know but they leave some sort of lasting impact on you. I enjoyed going to those lunches knowing I could walk in and sat down and have a convo with Margot. She passed away in her sleep before Christmas. She was in her 80′s but she was an amazing person. For some reason I woke up today and thought about her and than I thought about Brooke.
I feel like I have lived the past year with this big pile of regret. I feel like I regret everything I ever did. Every choice I made in life because my life turned out so horrible. But when I think about it – my life didn’t turn out horrible. Sure maybe I made a few mistakes here and there, but life could be 100x worse. I could have gotten mixed up with drugs, become a drug addict and married the drug dealer. I could have not went to college. I could have gotten pregnant at 16 and have 5 babies by now. At the end of the day – my life is okay. I’m not a 25 year old mom of six, a drug addict, nor a college drop out. Not that being a mother at 16 is the worst thing in the world, but what I’m saying is I could have turned out far worse than I did. Life could be far worse than it is.
Why Margot and Brooke made me think of that I don’t know. Margot just seemed like the type of person who took the grain with the salt if you know what I mean. I guess her passing made me stop and think about how short life is and how much I never want to end up where Brooks is right now and how grateful after everything that happened that things didn’t turn out worse than I made them seem.
I left the December meeting like I do all the time and gave Margot a hug, wished her Merry Christmas and told her I’d see her in January. Well she won’t be at Monday’s meeting. Either way I hope she finds her peace and I will truly miss her. The lunches won’t be the same.
With that – I didn’t take a picture today for my Photo of the Day. I wanted to post this picture from the Lincoln Day Dinner 2010. She was an amazing date!
R.I.P Margot
Read More
R.I.P – Edgar 2010-2011
R.I.P – Edgar Markham-Hall
2010-2011
I haven’t gotten around to mentioning this – so much going on from my husband being sick, to my Mom having cancer, etc etc – I just haven’t had time to mention that my fish died last Sunday!
I ginxed it too! My parents came down for dinner and I was saying how my fish was going to live FOREVER & then it died! I don’t know what happened. Cory said it was acting strange and than it died. : ( At least it was a fast death – I hope.
May you rest in peace – Edgar!
Read More
Every blog post, video, and photo gallery from the years 1999-Present Day.
If you are interested in reading the Diaries of Ann Mathews, those blogs written around the Affair of the Mind Series, please head over to the Affair of the Mind website to read those Archives.
