Graduation 2005 – I’ll Never Forget That Night
May 19th, 2005 was like a fairy tale only my fairy tale never did seem to have a happy ending. I had finally graduated high school, and the summer of 2005 would turn out to be one of the best summers of my life. The summer of 2005 between graduation and leaving for Tucson, Arizona was filled with drama, lies, sex and manipulation. Never before had I manipulated so many people the way I had that summer and never again would I be able to say I had a hand in helping the largest drug cartel in all of Lakeworth County escape federal prosecution. And it all started Graduation night 2005 …
I took a deep breath as I looked around Project Graduation that took place every year down under the bridge where the heart of Lakeworth, Arizona lye. I had finally graduated high school, was with a man I thought I was madly in love with and who honestly loved me back without conditions or restraints. I was also about to accept entrance into the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona a town five hours away that I had never once stepped foot in. I was over whelmed with fear and excitement.
Truth be told, I had had yet to tell anyone I was going to UofA. I had also yet to convince Amber that she needed to accompany me to Tucson, Arizona. I knew Bobby Blue would go. He was in love and wherever I wanted to attended college he would move heaven and Earth to make sure he was right there beside me. But to convince Amber that she needed to come with me to a town neither of us knew a thing about would take a little more work. But I knew I had to do it. I couldn’t leave Amber in the aftermath of whatever mess Justin and I would leave. Amber was my best friend, and out of everyone she deserved her freedom.
Amber was the only one that summer who knew about Justin and me. Everyone else thought I hated his guts, and I think I did a pretty good job of pretending to. Amber wasn’t fond of Justin but she knew all our secrets, and despite the fact she hated Justin for treating me the way he did, she knew I was in love with him and no matter the logic behind it I would do anything for Justin Lenox.
“Hey darling,” Justin said walking up behind me as Amber and I watched with excitement as Tommy and Bobby stood in line to ride the mechanical bull at Project Grad. Justin wore a long black trench coat, black pants, and a hat to disguise himself in the crowd. “Walk with me,” he whispered in my ear.
“Hey, Amber, I’ll be right back,” I whispered to her as she turned around to see Justin’s shadow standing behind us. “Tell Tom and Bobby when they are done riding the bull that I went to the bathroom.”
“Whatever,” Amber said with an eye roll yet again lying for me.
“I wasn’t sure you’d show up, Mr. Lenox?” I laughed hugging him and walking away from the crowd that stood around the bull pen.
“Oh come on Ms. Mathews, you know I wouldn’t miss my best friend’s graduation party now would I?” Justin laughed. “Besides, this high school amuses me. I so far have seen Tom, Jessi, Sean, and even Remmy somewhere in this mix. It’s never a dull moment when it comes to Lakeworth High School.”
“Right, well you just stay out of trouble. You hear me?”
“Me? Trouble? Never!” Justin laughed. “So, how are things going?” Justin asked as we sat down on a bench outside the gates of Project Grad.
“Mm, ok but I have a question for you, who the hell is Scott and Lenard?”
“Ah, I see you two have met. I’m glad,” Justin smiled condescendingly.
“I met Scott. He came to our coffee night gatherings Tuesday. So how much are you paying those two to separate while you fuck Scott’s boyfriend?”
“Mm… you know me too well. I’m paying them enough. That’s all you need to know. I need you to believe him. I need you to tell him anything he asks you no matter who’s around. I’ll contact you in a month or so, and that’s when you stop believing him.”
“Why would I stop believing him?” I asked. “From what he has said so far he is exactly correct. You are nothing but a lying, manipulating, boyfriend stealing, drug dealing whore.”
“Well true but like you said, he is on my pay roll so you can’t believe everything he says. Now can you?” Justin smiled.
“You just make sure you don’t fuck Brandon too much that Tim decides not to come back. I know you Justin, and I know you crave sex. Don’t fuck up your relationship with Tim for revenge on everyone else,” I advised him.
“Don’t worry, Brandon isn’t nearly as good in bed as Tim,” Justin smirked.
“You make me sick sometimes Lenox!” I exclaimed.
“Did you convince Ms. Amber and Mr. Bobby to move with you yet?” Justin asked.
“I’m working on it. I’m sure I won’t have any problems with Bobby. It’s Amber you got to worry about,” I explained.
“Well, you let me know if there’s any way I can per sway her.”
“Sweetie, she hates you so why would you be able to per sway her?” I laughed.
“I have my ways,” Justin said getting up from the bench. “Now you head back down to your little boy toy and friends. I wouldn’t want Bobby to find us together. Everyone needs to think we hate each other. For now anyway,” Justin said.
“When can I tell the truth?” I asked. “I’m so sick of lying for you.”
“You can tell the truth when the handcuffs are off my wrists. I’ll see ya around,” Justin said walking away.
As I walked back towards where my friends stood, Bobby came walking towards me in laughter. “Remmy Alan, cracks me up,” he exclaimed referring to a conversation he just had with him.
“Yeah, good old Remmy,” I said with an eye roll.
“You know, this may sound odd but I say we help Scott,” Bobby suggested referring to my conflict of helping Scott bring down Justin Lenox.
“Okay. Where shall we start?” I asked taking his hand.
“Let’s research him. There has to be something about Justin Lenox somewhere that can help us destroy him.”
“Well, he does work for the school district. Their records are public. We could start there. I suppose you’re right. If we don’t help, who will?”
“It’s up to you,” Bobby said.
“I’m in. I’ll post on my blog tonight that I’m willing to help take down Justin Lenox.”
As I said the words, I questioned in my mind my actions. Here I was saying how I was madly in love with Bobby and even willing to move across state with him, yet I was lying to him. I was leading him to believe that Justin and I hated each other. I was lying to the man I swore I loved so I could help a criminal escape federal prosecution on crimes he did in deed commit. In that moment there was a part of me that wanted to really bring down Justin for all he had done. There was a part of me that would have loved to of seen handcuffs placed around his wrist, but there was also a part of me that was so madly in love with him the thought of him spending one night behind bars brought tears to my eyes.
Later that night I had talked to both Bobby and Amber and had convinced them to move to Tucson with me in less than 3 months. The actions of that night also lead into motion the events that would soon follow regarding Justin and Jame’s escape, my departure from Lakeworth, and Bobby’s hatred of a man named Jeffery. The actions of that night would also find me in less than five months faced with a decision of either helping to bring down one of Lakeworth’s most hated and most wanted or to help the man I considered my best friend get away with murder.
Affair of the Mind- The Final Chapters – Read them only at www.affairofthemind.com
And that people is why Affair of the Mind is the most controversial story I will ever write in my life.
The Magical Button of Truth
He makes it sound like all I have to do is go hit this magical button and everything will just lay itself out like it’s supposed to, but sadly that’s not how life works
“I think you spend too much time separating yourself from Ann Mathews. You’re Sarah stop trying to pretend Ann and you are two different people. This isn’t part 3 anymore. You can stop playing the crazy schizophrenic.” – Justin
Okay another one of Sarah’s not so brilliant ideas. I wanted an ending to Affair of the Mind. A believable one to satisfy not only those who actually believed me (like Amber Brooks) but to satisfy those that never would (like Tom Lenal). So I said I made it up. I separated Ann Mathews and Sarah Markham-Hall the day I told Tom, Amber and Joey that I was a crazy schizophrenic and there really was no Justin Lenox.
“I’m going to be blunt – Joey is dead, Amber and you don’t talk anymore and you probably never will, and Tom Lenal is Tom Lenal. He’s always going to be so wrapped up in himself that he’ll never notice anyone besides his own shadow. Timothy made a point that night we had dinner – no one gives a shit. So just post it. Post it all. Who cares if names are decoded to depict their character name or if it makes since to anyone – just post it because honestly no one besides Ms. Jackson is going to ever read your entire blog archive from beginning to end and if they do – they must really love you.” – Justin Lenox
I don’t think my hesitation to post the Archives as one person has anything to do with the past. I can go and post those blogs from 1999 – 2009 right now. It’s the blogs after that. The last three years’ worth that I’m not ready to discuss.
I’m not ready to re-post the blogs regarding Kris and I’s relationship in the beginning, the trials and fears of dating an HIV+ man. I’m not ready to re-post the story of Lambert Elliot and what really happened with drugs, illegal pregnancies and Elliot landing in prison. I’m not ready to re-post the entries dealing with the downfall of Amber Brooks and Ann Mathews. I’m not ready to discuss Joey Scott’s death and the emotions behind losing my best friend so quickly. And I am for sure not ready to openly admit my relationship with Justin Lenox since the loss of our child.
So maybe it’s not about the archives that talk about Part 2, about the death of Michael Hart, about my downfall with Mary at Jewel or even about my failed relationship with Bobby Blue. It’s not about that. It’s not even about James Black and how throughout my entire relationship with Bobby all I kept wondering and praying for was for James to come back and chose ME over drugs. I’m ready to re-live the mistakes I made with my family, my time in juvi, and even what it was like to pretend to be a schizophrenic.
But I’m NOT ready to re-live the past three years.
So maybe it’s not about Ann Mathews vs Sarah Markham-Hall in the context that you think it is. It took me 7 years to be able to honestly sit down and write what I have so far of AOTM and what happened with Michael. So I’m sure it’s going to take another 7 years to open up about the past three years of my life.
“I think at the end of the day you have to stop caring about what everyone else thinks and just be you. You once told me ‘don’t let the world bring you down’ so Sarah – don’t let the world bring you down either.” – Justin
Maybe in order to face our fear we need to just embrace it.
But Mr. Lenox – sometimes it’s not as easy as hitting a button.
But I Am Ann Mathews …
Dear Readers, Enemies & Faithful Fans:
I have a question to ask of all you and well I need advice. So I am hoping all of those who read this blog (which I know is a lot because I do check my stats every day) actually take the time and courage to comment on this one. I promise – for one blog I’ll let the ill will go and won’t hold anything against you. I just want your opinion – whether you and I dislike each other is irrelevant.
My name is Sarah A Hall (also known to some as Sarah Markham) but my name is also Ann Mathews. At the beginning of 2013, I bought the affairofthemind.com domain with the anticipation of putting all things related to Affair of the Mind on that website. That included the story, the meet the character pages, and the famous Diary of Ann Mathews.
When I first started my website in 2005, it was to tell the truth. Affair of the Mind was never meant to become this over the top, crazy, out there fictional story that in the end it sadly became. I had a goal of posting the truth whether it was through re-posting all my old blog entries on my website publicly or through the writing of a story – I just wanted to tell the truth despite the consequences. But then Part 2 happened.
Part 2 isn’t real – come on! Really? Have you read Part 2? Of course not I haven’t written it yet but if you were my loyal fan between the years 2006 – 2008, you know that the bullshit written within the contents of what is now known as the Diary of Ann Mathews is complete bullshit.
Okay fine – Part 2 wasn’t our greatest idea in the world. I probably wouldn’t be here writing this blog entry right now if it weren’t for Part 2, but none the less it happened and truth be told – I had the greatest time writing it.
But now I’m stuck at a dilemma – do I continue all things related to Affair of the Mind on the Affair of the Mind site or do I post the Diary of Ann Mathews on Sarahahall.com because after all – despite Part 2 being full of bullshit – they are MY PERSONAL diaries.
I wrote them! I lived them! You can change the names and locations all you want at the end of the day – the Diary of Ann Mathews is the diary of Sarah Markham-Hall.
Ann Mathews is me. There is no way around that but do I separate us? Is Ann Mathews a different person than Sarah A Hall? Or do I combine them into one and post all diaries on this website?
I am open for advice people. How do I tell the world my story without sounding like some crazy, schizophrenic? Granted half of you believe me to be the crazy schizophrenic so I suppose it doesn’t matter at the end of the day but one day when I do have a child of my own – how do I want my website to tell that child the story of Ann Mathews and Sarah Markham-Hall? How do I want them to remember Affair of the Mind?
I have a blog archive dating from 1999 to present that I plan to post online for everyone to read one day – the question remains: how do I explain it? Because Justin Lenox changed my life. He changed EVERYTHING and now I’m left with trying to still protect and hold onto that relationship while at the same time setting myself free by finally telling the world what truly happened between us.
The Politics Of Being an FBI Hacker
“So it’s official. We’re moving come August,” he said happily into the line. ”My last day with the school is May 24th.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed. ”I can’t believe you’re moving. It’s going to be so weird. I always associate you and Elliot with Oro Valley and Tucson so to say you don’t live there anymore is just odd,” I replied.
“I know huh? The Tucson area has become like my home. A part of me is sad to leave it.”
“So have you decided what area you are moving to in Phoenix yet?” I asked.
“Well obviously it’s going to be paradise valley or fountain hills. Probably paradise valley. I love Elliot’s family but I don’t care to be neighbors with my in-laws.”
“Very true,” I laughed. ”Don’t screw this one up.”
“What do you mean don’t screw it up?”
“I’m serious! Last time the FBI offered you a job you fucked it up. Don’t fuck up Lenox.”
“I won’t Ms. Mathews,” he said condescendingly.
“You know you’ll be closer to Mr. James Black,” I chuckled.
“Very funny!” he said sternly.
“You guys could have like lunch dates every other Friday,” I laughed.
“Funny!” he exclaimed. ”I don’t think so! Mr. Black can stay in his part of town and I will stay in mine. You just said don’t fuck this up well getting in with James Black again will for sure fuck things up. James and I stopped being close friends the day we plotted to kill one another and sadly our friendship never did come back from that.”
“Yeah, I know. Luckily for you guys the Phoenix area is huge so I doubt you will run into each other at your local Wal-Mart. Anyway so what is Elliot going to do? I doubt your powerful influence as Mr. Special FBI Man is still unable to get him back on at any police force.”
“No,” he sighed. ”Most police departments frown upon hiring convicted felons; however, I am close to getting him a job at security at the Arizona State Capitol.”
“Right, politics, of course. I forget at times politics is a dirty business.”
“Like I always said Ann Mathews, politics, money and power all go hand in hand,” he said.
“Whatever,” I said with an eye roll. “At least you’ll be closer to me.”
“Yes closer by a whole hour and a half,” he laughed.
“So what exactly is your job title with the FBI?”
“I’m the hacker.”
“Yes I am really sure your job title is ‘hacker,’” I laughed.
“I’m part of their cyber security task force and yes I really am the hacker.”
“Okay,” I said. ”So when Iran and North Korea get hacked I can just say ‘oh that is the wonderful work of my best friend, Justin,’” I laughed.
“Yeah sure something like that.”
“Right,” I nodded.
Read More
Between the Lines of Trust & Betrayal Lies Me & You
Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful Mother’s out there!!
I have two dogs – that’s my Mother’s Day. And two pigs and five fish … oh and Edward the cat! He’s still mine even though my parents adopted him.
I don’t have kids … I almost somewhat did but despite what Mr. Timothy Edwards says – it never happened.
Do I want kids? That’s a question I have asked myself for years and never really have an answer for. I really did like the concept of giving my egg away to my gay best friend and his husband and having them raise my child. But I doubt that option is on the table now.
I’m not good with kids. I never have been. When I was with Robert, I didn’t want kids period. We didn’t want kids. Than I met Cory in between the whole Jared/Kid fiasco and maybe it was Cory and the whole situation that I decided maybe I want a child.
Truth be told though – we’ve tried to get pregnant. And a year and a half later – there’s still no baby.
But the question still remains – do I want kids? Do I want to have a baby naturally, raise it, and devote every last breath to that child for the remainder of my life?
Would it even be fair to have a child?
Jar and I had our kids school picked out in Oro Valley. It was a private school because with him comes money and the thought of even having to worry where the kid would have went to school was not even a concern, but back to my point – we now have Common Core. Private schools don’t protect you from that.
The world is so different than it was back in 2007. Is it even right to bring a child into that?
I guess set all that aside though – all the bad in this world and all the bullshit and yes I want a kid.
I can’t promise you I’d be a good mother. They said it’s different with your own kid that even though you don’t do well around other children – you’d do great around your own.
So do I want a child? Yes.
But will it happen? … Well you’ll just have to wait till the end of After the Affair to find out – won’t you? : )
No Timothy Edwards – not everything you accused us of at the dinner that night was a lie …
Read More
Why Are People Such Assholes?
Well hello blogging world! Long time no talk – well okay it’s only been a week but it feels longer. I should update more – I know.
Speaking of updates – I have finally started the Photo Gallery Section again. The Photo Gallery somewhere along the way got completely messed up. It had something to do with coding, outdated data, years of neglect, and well … the point being I have finally started to get it back up. All my photos are on facebook and I really don’t want to use Coppermine again (it’s what fucked me up the 1st time) and I hate Nextgen (why people swear by it is beyond me). So fuck it – I am just going to connect my Facebook (which is public btw – if you wish to follow my public updates go for it – or add me as a friend – I really don’t care. I have nothing to hide – I’m an open book remember?) Albums with my website. So that is what I am in the process of doing. One day all my photos – from when I was born in 1986 to today will be posted once again for the entire world to see. That is the goal anyway. I think this time though I’m going to leave out the nudity … I know – boring huh? : ) Except for the scandals Part 2 AOTM Photo Shoot – I think I’ll leave those up.
Speaking of AOTM Photo Shoot – I am almost done with Part 1 (almost) and have decided on a cover for the book. I need blood and a body bag and well of course someone to PUT in the body bag. Haha! As for the part 2 cover – what do u think about me, naked, behind a chair with an FBI jacket and in hand cuffs? Yeahhhhhhh – Part 2 is scandalous and I am so looking forward to writing it so the cover HAS to be scandalous. I have done a Part 2 Photo Shoot already with me semi-naked so fuck it – this time no top just me covered by a chair with an FBI jacket on it and in handcuffs. Haha! Yes, I know I am so living up to my critics interpretation of this blog being ‘provocative, profanity-laced and filled with sexual innuendos.’
Anyway so I have been up to a bunch of nothing lately. Just being lazy with the mutts.
We got Duncan a GPS Collar because I swear to God I am so flipping paranoid that he is somehow going to get out one day and then we’ll lose our baby. He is a really good dog but he’s too damn curious for his own good.
So we got him a collar that will alert us if he gets out and it follows him and it even gives his daily activity reading. He’s supposed to have a 375 but the dang mutt is so crazy in the head he gets over a 400. ![[SCM]actwin,0,0,0,0;ScreenshotCaptor 5/10/2013 , 11:33:13 AM](http://sarahahall.com/wp-content/uploads/Screenshot-5_10_2013-11_33_13-AM-300x251.jpg)
Haha! We are thinking of getting Charlie Brown one too not cause we’re afraid we’ll ever lose him but because we want to know how much activity he gets a day. The dang dog is still fat! I think he has lost some weight since we got him but he’s still fat.
So Cory and I are going to see Cory’s mother in Blue Springs, MO June 7th through the 14th. Yes people – a road trip to MO should be so much fun (sarcasm) and to top it off we are taking Duncan with us because I don’t trust anyone to watch him. Lol! He’s too crazy in the dang head! My parents will watch Charlie and Sue said she’d come check on the pigs for us. But yeah Duncan + Cory + a 20 hour car ride – oh this should be interesting.
Anyway, that really is all I have to update you all on.
The parents are coming over for Spaghetti Bread tomorrow night for Mother’s Day cause Cory works Sunday. But then I am going out with them Sunday to La Vita Dolce because they have Salmon Wellington in a Lobster Cream Sauce as a special. I don’t care if it’s $28! It’s so worth it!! It comes with a glass of champion, salad and a desert – so yeah I think the price is worth it. I am excited! I love anything wellington. Haha!
Anyway write more later.
I was thinking of bringing the Photo A Day back. Thoughts?
When The Truth Comes Out – Who Will Kill Who First?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) The people who think I’m crazy and made up Affair of the Mind and Justin Lenox. There has never been one photo EVER posted on my website, facebook, myspace, livejournal, or any social media site I have ever owned for that matter of Justin and myself. There’s no photos, no videos, no correspondence … nothing. Justin Lenox for all you know is just a figment of my imagination. I would say 95% of people view Affair of the Mind as some far out there, crazy story I made up based on a guy I fell in love with in high school. I fell in love with a guy I could never have and because of that I made up some crazy, fucked up story about him. Yes, 95% of people – including some in my own family – believe the story of Ann Mathews and Justin Lenox is nothing but a figment of my crazy imagination.
2) But then there are those that do believe me because they lived Affair of the Mind. They keep quiet though out of fear or in the case of Timothy Edwards out of pure amusement. They sit there waiting for the day Justin and I fuck up. They wait for the day the truth comes out. They know what I wrote and what I say is true not because they are my friend or are his friend but because they saw us face to face and saw exactly what we did and got away with. I would say that amounts for 5% of people.
Has anyone watched and followed the Jodi Arias trial? Oh come on, we all have. Unless you live under a rock you know the name that has become a household dinner conversation overnight. She not only shot her x-boyfriend, she stabbed him 30 times and slit his throat from ear to ear. Everyone knows who Jodi Arias is and everyone knows she is a lying, manipulating, bitch. She is guilty and she deserves to die for what she did. The story of her and Travis will never really be known. What happened the day he died? No one will ever know. Jodi knows but she has spoken so many different stories of them that no one can believe her. Travis took the truth with him to his grave. No one will ever know the true story of Jodi Arias and Travis Alexander. We do know they have a story though – a story filled with lies, manipulation and tons of sex.
So what does Jodi Arias have to do with my crazy, probably fictional made up story? Well – everything.
Let’s just say for dramatic purposes that somewhere in Lakeworth County there is a secret warehouse and in that secret warehouse is the proof. The proof you ALL need to piece together the pieces of Affair of the Mind. In this “warehouse” are pictures, videos, correspondence, letters, harddrives … EVERYTHING! But like Jodi and Travis – we will take the truth of it all to the grave with us. I wrote a short “fictional” story back in 2007 called “Let it Burn” about a fire in Lakeworth that destroyed a storage unit and left behind burnt photos and videos of the towns best kept secret. Granted this story took place in like 2100 – years after the death of the main characters. I really hate to compare myself to Jodi Arias but like her I have told far too many stories for any of you to believe me and sadly the truth of Affair of the Mind will go down in flames … or will it?
Again there are two types of people in this world:
1) There’s the type who still think I’m crazy. I made it all up – there was no baby, therefor there was no miscarriage story, therefor there is no secret hidden deep within the pages of After the Affair that will tear families and friendships apart. Yeah – she’s crazy.
2) But there there’s that 5% who will sit here right now and shack their heads because deep down they know – and they wait for the day when the truth comes out because if Timothy Edward’s theory about the bastard child of Justin Lenox and Ann Mathews is correct – that day will come sooner rather than later.
And that people is today’s insight into the crazy world of Affair of the Mind.
Don’t worry – it’s just a story I made up when I was bored one day – there’s no truth to it … or is there …. ?
Affair of the Mind
Part 1: The Murderous Affair
The Complete Story
Buy the ebook edition only at www.affairofthemind.com starting June 21st, 2013
Affair of the Mind
Part 2: Inside the Affair
The sequel begins August 15th only at www.affairofthemind.com
Lambert, Joey & A Guilt I’ll Never Get Over
So let’s see who all pays attention to my blog because if you know me and you can decode this – you SHOULD be up in arms about it.
So I had dinner with Jackson and her wife on Thursday night (you know – Christina Jackson but everyone always calls her Jackson – inside joke) . Anyway I’ll write about the dinner and all my happenings in Omaha in another blog post. This post is dedicated to something she informed me of during our dinner conversation.
So I always knew there was SOMETHING between Joey Scott and Josh Randolph. Josh was way too guilty after Joey died. He acted like he had a secret to hide and to this day he still does. But what that secret was, I could never figure it out. I had my speculations: a love affair, HIV, HPV, drugs, sex … oh yes I had my speculations. In fact a whole blog was once written around the topic of HIV, sex and a love affair. Like most of my Affair of the Mind stories that for all intentional purposes should have been something I just made up off the top of my head – the story of Josh Randolph and Joey Scott was really NOT that far from the truth.
I spent almost the entire ride back home to Lakeworth Friday afternoon on the phone with Justin crying. It hit me as the plane landed down at the Phoenix Skyharbor Airport that the words I had written on Facebook the night prior were far too true. I wrote Thursday night on facebook the following: I am the most open person you will ever meet – my entire life is posted on the internet for the entire world to see and read and I won’t ever change – however the minute I put a face to the name Justin Lenox is the minute my story becomes a reality which is why you will never see photos, videos or any other media related to the four main characters of Affair of the Mind – it doesn’t mean they aren’t real and it doesn’t mean my story isn’t true – but I love Justin Lenox and despite what ANY of you think or say – I may write the story but I won’t put him in jail. The photos, the videos and the truth will be released on the day the last one of us dies – it’s called loyalty and love and think what u want of me but I will always love Justin Lenox and I will always protect him despite if that makes me a bad person or not
What I didn’t realize when I posted it was that I chose Justin over Joey Scott, and even after what Jackson told me Thursday night it didn’t hit me until the plane landed in Phoenix that I am just as guilty as Josh over the death of Joey Scott.
I know – Joey died of complications related to a disease many said was inherited And maybe that’s true, but I will NEVER stop feeling guilty over his death as I am sure neither will Josh.
Jackson told me that Joey was in love with his best friend. They had many sexual encounters and Josh always told him he loved him and wanted to be with him … and this was all before Kristopher Hall came into the picture. I knew Joey loved him. I didn’t know that back in 2006 but I knew that the day I asked Joey about him back in 09. What I didn’t know was the extent of their relationship. Joey wouldn’t tell me, and now I know why.
I asked Justin if I hadn’t of moved to Tucson in 2005 if I could have saved him. Was it the drugs that lead to his disease? Was it his undying love for Josh Randolph that destroyed the man I once knew, admired and loved? Had I NOT left would he still be alive? Justin’s reply was – I will never know and I can’t live my entire life wondering what if.
But I chose Justin over Joey and when asked if I could go back and save Joey over Justin – would I? If I could go back, knowing that he would still be alive today but Justin would end up in prison – would I have saved him instead of Justin Lenox?
….
I can’t answer that.
I need a reason. I have needed a reason since the day Joey died. I have needed a reason of WHY! I thought Kris was my reason. Had I never met Justin, I never would have fallen in love with Kris because I never would have emerged myself in the gay community of Lakeworth, Arizona. But Kris isn’t it. Joey loved Josh way before Kris came along.
I need my reason back. I need to know why I keep choosing him over everyone else.
So is our agreement the reason? Is Lambert Robi Elliot the reason why?
I hope so because I cannot live with myself knowing had I chose a different path Joey would still be alive. So if Lambert isn’t our reason … than you tell me – how does After the Affair end?
The Reunion – Part 1: An After the Affair Special
The Reunion – Part 1
An After The Affair Special
Based off the original novel and characters of Affair of the Mind
Written by Sarah Markham-Hall
Based off the personal diaries of Sarah Markham-Hall
Please Note: The following contains Affair of the Mind Spoilers.
The following is not meant for those under the age of 16 and possibly over the age of 35. The following contains content not limited to: sexual explicated content, violence, drug references, and vulgar language. Reader Discretion Is Advised
April 16th, 2013
11:34 p.m.
“Do you recall the last time we slept together?” he asked turning towards me as our bodies laid adjacent on the bed.
“You make it sound like we’re going to rip each other’s clothes off and have sex right here and now,” I said looking at him with intrigue.
“Mmm … tempting but the last time I checked you and I were married to other people. I don’t think the idea of us having sex would go over to well,” he replied.
“I agree. Your question to me though is probably going to give people the wrong idea.”
“Oh Ms. Mathews, people get the wrong idea about us all the time,” he laughed.
“True,” I laughed. “2010,” I said.
“Huh?” he asked confused.
“The last time you and I slept together was July 2010 right before I met Kristopher,” I said answering his question.
“Ah, yes. Now I remember.”
“The last time you and I slept together as in you and I sleeping in the same bed without having sex was 2011 when you came to be with me after Kris and I broke up.”
“Mm, yes I remember that too. Those were the days weren’t they Ms. Mathews,” he laughed. “So are you going to be okay?” he asked taking my hand into his. “I do worry about you, you know?”
“I’m fine. Are you going to be okay?” I asked turning towards him.
“I’ll be just peachy,” he smiled. I squeezed his hand as a calm overcame me. For the first time in years, I felt content. The night may have not turned out the way I had hoped, but at the end of the day I still had him, and at that moment nothing else seemed to matter.
5 Hours Earlier
The last time I saw Justin Lenox was less than a month ago. I met him on my lunch break one day to discuss the terms of our agreement. An agreement I shall explain later on in this story. Yet despite the fact I just saw his face a month prior, I still got butterflies and my face still lite up like the fourth of July with excitement when I exited my car at the Starwood Hotel in Phoenix, Arizona and saw him standing there waiting for me.
“Justin!” I exclaimed running up to him and jumping in his arms.
“Ah Ms. Mathews,” he replied wrapping his arms around me. “I never thought you’d make it.”
“Well you know how it is. Lakeworth likes to suck you in and hates letting you go, but I made it.”
“Well we have exactly an hour and a half before we are to meet the rest of the gang. So I suggest you unpack your bags in your room, make up some bullshit story to your husband, and we get you ready,” he said walking with me to my car to help me with my bags.
“Okay. Sounds like a plan,” I smiled. “Have you ever stayed here before?” I asked him.
“Nope,” he said. “Seems like an okay hotel though.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is. My boss stays here and he wouldn’t stay at no dumpy hotel.”
“Come Ms. Mathews, let’s go check out what our tax dollars pay for,” he laughed heading towards to hotel entrance.
“Your tax dollars? Since when did you pay Lakeworth County Property taxes?” I asked with a laugh.
“Oh my tax dollars are all over that county. You just don’t see it. That’s all,” he replied.
The Starwood Hotel in my opinion was a five star hotel. It had a large beautiful outdoor swimming pool that was open 24 hours. Had it not been the one cold, windy day of the year in Arizona, I totally would have entertained the idea of skipping this dinner and going to swim in the pool all night under the stars. Unfortunately the temperature outside was in the 60s and the wind was blowing a good 20mph.
The hotel room was unlike anything I had ever seen before. The rooms were decorated in modern elegance and when you walked into the elevator you felt like you were walking into a night club in downtown Las Vegas. I must say, the Starwood Hotel in downtown Phoenix, Arizona was vastly becoming my favorite hotel.
As Justin and I prepared for the evening ahead of us, my mind wondered to the thoughts of what it would be like to see James Black face to face after three years. The last time James Black and myself were in the same room together was about two months after Joey died. The three months in between Joey’s death and me meeting Kristopher were filled with nothing but sex, alcohol and Adam Lambert. I know hard to believe huh? The sweet innocent Ann Mathews turned to sex and alcohol after the loss of one of her best friends? Shocking. I know.
My last encounter with James Black consisted of drugs and lots of sex. I had 42 condoms to use within those three months and I will say I used all of them and then some. James had come to town on business arrangements with Justin. Justin wanted money to replenish the Trust Fund he borrowed from to help conceive mine and his child. James agreed to sell him drugs so he could turn around and profit from them so he counld gain the thousands of dollars back he put into the In vitro fertilization of what we called at the time Baby Lambert.
Between the years 2005 and 2010, James Black hadn’t changed much. He was still heavily involved in the drug scene. I had once asked James to choose me over drugs and he chose the latter. However it was late June of 2010 and my best friend had just died. I didn’t seem to care at that point in time about drugs or even about the fact Justin was about to have my x girlfriend give birth to our child. All I cared about was sex and James was my perfect distraction.
After a night filled with nothing but sex, I never saw James again. Not until about two months ago when he had the nerve to finally answer my dying question of why he didn’t chose me over drugs if he claims to love me so much. His answer: he didn’t want to share me with Justin Lenox. Yeah, I’m still a little pissed off at the answer.
What would I say to James Black when I saw him for the first time in almost three years? Would I ask him why? Why would he say he didn’t chose me because I was in love with Justin when he himself once claimed to be in love with him too? Would I ask why he was still involved in the drug scene? Would I ask him about his own marriage, his relationship with Justin, and how he got Timothy Edwards to agree to this dinner?
Timothy Edwards – the last time I saw Timothy was in the early fall of 2012. I made the mistake of informing Justin that Timothy had moved back to Scottsdale after leaving his boyfriend on the East Coast and was working at Target of all places. Yes, the rumors are true. I called out of work one day, got in my car, met Justin in the parking lot of Target, he went inside and tried to win back a ‘love he swore got away.’ Timothy turned him down, we all three had lunch, Timothy kissed Justin and Justin FINALLY realized he wasn’t in love with Timothy he was in love with Elliot Charles. Yes, that was the last time I saw Timothy Edwards.
I spent years trying to piece together this infamous love story of Timothy Edwards and Justin Lenox only to finally realize that all it was was a fantasy. Timothy never loved Justin and Justin didn’t really love him. All they were were a love story created by my version of fake events for Part 2. And after the dinner, I realized Timothy Edwards was nothing of what I made him out to be. The real Timothy is a conceded, stuck up asshole almost similar to what the infamous Justin Lenox use to be. I’m not sure if the Timothy Edwards I once loved and admired back in Highschool was like that but the Timothy that sat across from me at dinner that night was not the man I once called my best partner in crime.
“Are you ready?” Justin asked as I hung up the phone from talking to Kristopher.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I sighed.
“Give me your phone,” he said holding his hand out to me.
“Why?” I asked placing my phone into his hand.
“So I can make sure you can’t be found. You have GPS on this thing. I need to make sure that if anyone tries to find you, they can’t,” he said plugging numbers and sequences into my phone.
“Ironic, I’m two days away from attending a conference on cyber security and my best friend is hacking my phone to make sure I can’t be found. How fucking ironic is that?” I laughed.
“That’s not irony Ann Mathews. It’s called your life,” he smiled handing me the phone back. “We’re ready.”
“Yes, we are as ready as we will ever be,” I sighed as I followed Justin to his car.
Check back next week for Part 2 to the Reunion – Only at Sarahahall.com
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Trips, Dinner, Taxes & The Exception To My Lesbianism
I have never in my entire life been on a business trip let alone in a different state by myself! So I am excited for my trip next week!! : ) It’s going to be an adventure I am sure.
I am also secretly excited for Tuesday’s dinner engagement. I am sure you all would love to be a fly on the wall in whatever restaurant we end up at. I thought I’d be upset at Justin for putting the whole thing together but after writing Chapter 36 of AOTM – I kind of miss everyone so I think it’ll be nice to see people again. Maybe … hopefully … this is Justin and James we speak of so maybe this whole thing is a bad idea and I STILL want to know HOW they talked Timothy into this dinner! I will find out if it is the LAST thing I do. : ) But yeah … I’m secretly excited. Shh! Don’t tell anyone though – I’m still playing the ‘pissed off Ann Mathews’ role right now while inside I’m smiling.
Anyway so I did my taxes today!! I owe the Federal government $594 plus the stupid $54 fee for making payment arrangements with them. Whatever! Damn taxes! I get $97 back from the state though. : ) I filed separately this year and you all may think that it was a stupid idea seeing I owe nearly $600 but in the grand scheme of things – Cory filed with his mother which worked out WAY better for us. So eh – I owe $600 – whatever! I’ll pay it off in $25 installments! : ) I know – I’m so horrible aren’t I?
Anyway … I want to update this blog more and I think I shall. But sometimes I really don’t know what to say. My life consists of work, STILL trying to organize the new house, my husband and our two dogs.
Speaking of the dogs – Charlie is still fat and Duncan is still crazy! So not much else new there. : )
I really have nothing else to say. I finished Chapter 36 of AOTM today. The first BRAND NEW CHAPTER since 2009! I felt accomplished. I FINALLY after 9 years sat down and wrote about my relationship with the infamous James Black. You don’t find out the sexual details until Chapter 37 where I lose my lesbian virginity. Hehe!
Speaking of lesbians – to clarify for Ms. Fremont who I know still reads this (hi) – I do still like women. I may be married to a guy but it doesn’t mean that at the end of the day I find the male sex more attractive. I have officially decided I find the female sex more attractive (I mean come on I can only name u two hot male celebrities and I could give you a list a mile long of hot female ones). So my husband is the exception to my lesbian rule. That is what I have decided – I am a lesbian married to a guy. It works for me! I love it! Haha! And I LOVE confusing people. And I love the attention and I love pissing off Ms. Fremont. So hey it all works !
I know – I’m done! I am officially rambling at this point.
Laterz!
I’m gonna go plan my trip next week and smile some more while still playing the ‘pissed off Ann Mathews’ role.
HAHA!
Love ya all!
My Husband Saved Me in 2006 – He Just Doesn’t Know It
I highly believe everything happens for a reason. I highly believe we are all connected in one way or another. And I highly believe that the choices we make in life lead us down the path we’re supposed to be on. For not being a religious person – I still seem to have very spiritual beliefs.
You all know the story of how Cory and I met. We meet on Halloween night 2009 for a brief moment and due to life’s crazy ways didn’t run into each other again until Robi’s Celebration of Life Ceremony after he passed away in April of 2010. It took us three more months to realize that we had an attraction towards one another after obviously clearing up the whole ‘but wait aren’t you both gay?’ issue. And after that – well the rest is history.
But what people don’t know is that I wrote about Cory Michael Hall 14 times in my journal between the years 2006 and 2009 before even saying one word to the man. The following is the truth behind my prior knowledge of my husband. Truth he probably doesn’t even know of, but I feel the need to state it because it shows how everything is connected and how things happen for a reason.
It was February of 2006 when I first heard the name Cory Michael Hall (AOTM name is Kristopher Mach Hall).
Please note: The following is written in association with Affair of the Mind. Due to legality and confidentially reasons, the following names will be associated with those characters of AOTM. I am sorry for any confusion this may cause. The following also contains AOTM Spoilers
I lived in Tucson, Arizona at that point in time and received a phone call from my besty at the time, Justin Lenox, to inform me of the new ‘gay guy’ dating the infamous Josh Randolph. I remember saying and I quote “The cute ones seemed to have moved to Lakeworth after I left. Go figure!” Justin rambled something about why the new cute gay guy would want to date someone as disgusting as Josh Randolph or something along those lines ( you know how Lenox feels about Randolph ).
Anyway so the last time the “Green Gang” was together was in February of 2006. I was going back to Lakeworth for a fitting for my brother’s wedding (I was in the bridal party) and also to speak to Joey Scott and convience him to leave Lakeworth and move back to Tucson with me. If he refused? We were going to kidnap him.
One of the things I told Joey before I moved to Tucson was under no circumstances what so ever do NOT start hanging out with people like Josh Randolph. So when I said it I never thought that Joey and I would get into this big fight, we’d stop talking, he’d hate my guts, and then he’d ignore everything I ever once told him and become best buds with the one guy Justin proclaimed was ‘the enemy.’ BUT that’s exactly what happened. So why in my mind did I think going back to Lakeworth and talking to Joey would do anything was beyond me.
But none the less – you know Ann Mathews and her brilliant ideas – the plan was put into place to go back to Lakeworth, meet one final time with James, Justin and Timothy, kidnap Joey and come back to Tucson and live happily ever after. Hey I never said I had brilliant ideas!
Anyway so back to Kristopher Hall. Justin found his myspace profile page (remember myspace? Use to be the facebook of social media? You know before facebook? Yeah!) and I do what I do best – stalked him on the internet. I looked through every picture, every blog, every status update, every detail of his myspace. I then went to Joey’s and Josh’s myspace profiles to do the same. I probably spent a good four to five hours analyzing every last details of the relationship and connections between the three of them and this is what transpired the next day because of it:
February 10th, 2006 (The real story not the AOTM Part 2 Version)
I starred at the suitcase as I put it into the trunk of my car. “I can’t do this,” I sighed picking up my cell phone.
“Are you on your way?” Justin asked answering it.
“I can’t do this,” I said almost in tears.
“Why?” he asked getting annoyed. “We had an agreement Ann Mathews!”
“Don’t worry I’m still coming down. I just can’t do the whole Joey Scott thing.”
“Why?” he asked again.
“It’s just not right. I can’t just go to Lakeworth after not talking to him for over six months and demand that he stop hanging out with people. And realistically Justin, I can’t kidnap him either,” I explained.
The sun shown bright in Tucson that morning. It was 5:30am and in less than an hour I’d be on the road back to Lakeworth and in less than 24 hours all four of us would be together again. Yet as much as I wanted to sit there and think of what I would say to James when I came face to face with him, the only thing that seemed to weigh heavy on my mind were the images of Kristopher Hall.
Kris was someone I had never even met. He was someone who came into Joey’s life after me, and from reading his myspace and seeing the pictures of him, Joey and Josh I came to realize that I no longer mattered. Joey had new friends, and despite the fact that neither Justin nor I didn’t approve of them; it was no longer my place to tell Joey Scott who he could and could not hang out with. I lost the privilege to give Joey advice the minute I chose Justin Lenox over him.
“Ann this was your idea. I thought you wanted to get Joey out of Lakeworth?” Justin said not giving me a minute to answer him.
“I did until last night,” I said.
“What happened last night? Did you talk to him or something?”
“No, I read Kristopher’s myspace and stared at pictures of him, Josh, and Joey all night.”
“Why?” Justin asked annoyed. “What does Kristopher Hall have anything to do with this? We don’t even know Kristopher. For all we know, he is as naïve as Joey is. I mean come on. He has to be naïve he’s dating Josh Randolph for crying out loud! I am sure he has no clue who the man is behind the mask. You should go to Lakeworth, find this mysterious Kristopher person, and warn him now before it’s too late!” Justin suggested.
“It’s not my place,” I sighed. “Joey seems happy and if they make him happy then it’s not my place to go in there and take that away from him. Joey was always good to me. I once considered him a best friend. I wish he’d leave Lakeworth and never look back, but it’s not my place to make sure that happens. I’m sorry Justin. Joey is happy, and I won’t be the person to take that away from him.”
“Fine! Whatever!” Justin exclaimed. “When are you going to be here? You are still coming tonight right? I didn’t go to all this trouble to get Timothy and James …”
“YES!” I exclaimed interrupting him. “I am still coming. Don’t worry. I’ll be there.”
“Good!” he sighed in relief. “So besides the whole Joey situation, the rest of the story line is to go as planned. Correct?”
“Correct,” I replied getting in the driver’s seat of my car as I stared at the road between here and Lakeworth.
The name Kristopher Hall was never mentioned again until 2007 when in AOTM Part 2 (my version of events which was nowhere near the truth) it is explained for one brief moment that Kris and Josh broke up and Josh went back to be with Danny.
After that the name Kristopher Hall is not brought up until I start talking to Joey again in the year 2009. However the concept of Kristopher Hall and a story line consisting of him as a main character for Part 3 was almost a reality.
You all know the story of AOTM Part 2 and 3 and if you don’t well I highly suggest you don’t continue reading this …
I’ll give you a moment to stop …
.
.
.
Okay so Part 2 is 95% made up and the beginning of Part 3 is about 95% bullshit. Josh Randolph never put Justin in the hospital and almost killed him, and Josh never ended up in prison for attempted murder of a federal agent. I know – it made a GREAT story line didn’t it? All dramatic and everything … but none the less – NOT TRUE!
However prior to Tom Lenal contacting me in January of 2009 and my reconnecting with him and Joey, Justin and I had come up with a story line to run with that consisted of Kristopher. At this point in time, I had no clue what happened between the two in real life all I know was they made a cute couple so hey why not go with it. So we did!
If AOTM Part 3 would have continued it would have went something like this – Josh Randolph is released from prison by none other than Justin Lenox after Justin is in a car accident and loses his memory and decides he wants to be a ‘better person.’ Josh reconnects with Kristopher after Josh tells me he was madly in love with him and shouldn’t have dumped him. So Justin hooks them back up. All is good until Justin comes out and says he faked having amnesia to get Timothy back (him and Timothy fought before the car accident). So Timothy and Justin break up and for unknown reasons so does Kris and Josh. Timothy and Josh hook up and …. Well u see where I am taking this … yeah! I already hear Justin yelling at me now so I won’t say who Justin was going to hook up with. Hey I was having him end up with James but then I thought about that and yeah no! Lol! I never even thought of having him end up with Elliot because at the time Elliot and Jacob were like THE couple. So yeah … (And to make matters even worse – I even wrote up some fake journal entries in anticipation for this story line … like:
“JR just called me and said he got a date with Kris. I asked him tonight I’m like ‘whatever happened to Kris?’ They went out on what – one date! Well JR told him he wasn’t ready to date. I’m like you call his ass up and get a date with him! LoL! So I guess he finally got a hold of him and they have a date tomorrow. –fake crying sniffles– HOW CUTE!”)
IF only AOTM Part 3 had continued …. BUT it didn’t! Tom Lenal contacted me and I decided to go with the whole ‘crazy schizophrenic’ story instead. Again NOT my greatest idea in life but … whatever! I never said I had brilliant ideas.
And there you have it folks – see at the end of the day we all are meant to be. Things just have a funny way of working themselves out.
I know I know – I’m glad I didn’t have Justin end up with Kris too. : )
I Made The Mistake of Asking Justin Lenox To Dinner
So Cory and I are still organizing our new place. But hey lookie – 
I took a picture of my half of the closet. That at least is done. Hehe! Oya! It just seems like we have way more stuff than we had last time we moved. But hopefully Saturday Cory and I can put a good dent in it so I can take pics of more than just the closet.
The new place though is awesome!! The hardwood floors seem to get dirty than I thought they would, but whatever. I suppose I’ll have to dust them up every couple of days. The dogs love it there. They love their backyard! Duncan has finally caught up with Daddy’s new sleep schedule. Duncan is usually in bed by 8:30 and up with me by six. I think his new yard and running around in it all day makes him tired more often.
We’re watching Sue’s dog this weekend while she goes to her daughter’s wedding. So Duncan and Charlie will have a playmate for a couple of days. So they’ll be three dogs instead of two running around causing chaos. Haha! I love it!
So I don’t think I have mentioned this before so I shall mention it now – I am leaving for Omaha, Nebraska on Tuesday on a business trip for a Cyber Security Conference. I’ll be gone till Friday. Yeap! I leave for Phoenix on Tuesday and fly out Wednesday. I am excited! I love all this Cyber Security stuff. Actually I love anything related to the internet and Cyber Security is of great interest to me seeing my best friend was once a fake FBI agent/government official who worked on the nation’s top Cyber Security team. Oh wait – that was just a story for Part 2 of AOTM. He wasn’t really an FBI agent … or was he? Hmmm? : ) Maybe it was in fact the Justin Lenox who just created the infamous computer virus known as Stuxnet that took out an Iranian Uranium Enrichment plant? ::shrugs:: You will never know now will you? That is until After the Affair coms out! Muah Muah!!
Speaking of Justin Lenox … you all might want to sit down for this one.
I called him the other day (no those “Ann Mathews-Hall & Justin Lenox After the Affair Conversations” are not 100% made up) and asked him if he wanted to meet me for dinner Tuesday night since you know he lives like an hour out of Phoenix (it’s not a secret anymore people – the bastard lives in Tucson – I mean Oro Valley, AZ – has for a while now! So the secret is out of the bag!). Well after a very interesting conversation that somehow ended on the topic of sex and Craig Elliot – he agreed to meet me for dinner. Now again – I asked Justin Lenox to dinner. NOT anyone else! I did say he could bring his hot ass boyfriend along though but beyond that – it was dinner with me, him and possibly his hot ass boyfriend. Right? Okay? Get it! Got it! GOOD!!!
Well somehow dinner with him has now turned into this big reunion. Yes you heard correctly – not only am I having dinner now with THE Justin Lenox I am now having dinner with Timothy Edwards (who recently moved to Scottsdale and I am REALLY interested to know what James bribed him with in order for him to agree to this dinner? Really interested!) and James Black (this should be interesting).
So how did “let’s have dinner” just us turn into “The Reunion of the Green Gang?” Seriously people? SERIOUSLY!!!!
And so is my life …
Well at least I can say this – it will be one very interesting dinner conversation. Let’s just hope no one orders desert.
I Had A Dream Of Me & You
“I had a dream,” I began to say.
“Oh no! This story is not going to end well …,” he sighed.
“Guess who will be in Phoenix next Tuesday?” I asked chippery.
“Adam Lambert?” he asked with excitement.
“NO!” I exclaimed.
“Mmm … Ian Somerhalder?”
“No!” I exclaimed. ”Me!”
“Ah right, your little business trip. And your point?”
“Um, hello! We could totally do dinner?”
“Ahh … Okay. Sure,” he laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” he laughed more.
“Well fuck you too! Gess!”
“So is this a date just between me and you or between you, me and Elliot?”
“It’s not a fucking date!”
“You just asked me to dinner Ms. Mathews.”
“As a friend!! You know two people having dinner as friends. People do that you know.”
“Right. Sure. Me and you and dinner. Okay. You keep telling yourself that.”
“Oh you know what. Never mind! I don’t want to do dinner with you. I’ll do it with just Elliot.”
“Haha! Oh that’s even better!”
“Oooo …!” I exclaimed.
“So where shall we go out for dinner, Ms. Mathews?”
“I don’t know. Surprise me. Put your millions to use and take me to the most expensive restaurant in all of Phoenix.”
“Why would I do that? Isn’t the government paying for your dinner?”
“No,” I lied.
“MmmHmmm. So let me get this straight: you are asking me to dinner?”
“Why is everything with you about sex?” I asked.
“I never said a damn word about sex. Wait a minute now you’re asking me to dinner and back to your hotel for desert? Wow! Ms. Mathews, does your husband know about this?”
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. ”Never mind! Just never mind! I am hanging up now! I have to go get ready for work!”
“Mmmhmmm!” he laughed. ”See you next Tuesday Ms. Mathews,” he said seductively hanging up the phone.
“Ohhhh!!” I exclaimed as I heard the dial tone.
Read MoreFinishing Part 1
“Wow! This is the second hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life behind the speech I gave at Joey’s funeral,” I sighed into the phone line. “You write it!”
“Oh no!” he laughed. “I am not going to write about your love affair with James Black!” he continued to laugh.
“I don’t get why this is so hard to write!” I exclaimed in frustration.
“I think it’s hard for you to write because you have never sat down and actually analyzed your feelings for James Black,” Justin replied.
“Whatever! James Black is the most confusing, annoying, pessimistic man I have ever met next to you of course.”
“Do you love him?” Justin asked bluntly.
“What?” I asked caught off guard.
“Did you ever love him?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I was led to believe for so many years that he chose drugs over me, and then he tells me he didn’t choose me because he didn’t want to share me with you. So I honestly don’t know. James Black was the most dysfunctional, fucked up relationship I have ever been in.”
“Okay but let’s put all that aside. Let’s forget the fact that he chose drugs over you. Let’s forget the fact he pretended for years he never even dated you. And let’s forget the fact that he now says he loved you but he didn’t want to share you with me. Put all that aside. Did you ever love James Black?”
As I thought of how I was going to answer Justin, my mind filled with all the memories, although short lived, of my time with James. “Yes,” I sighed.
“Let me ask you Ann. If James had chosen you that day, do you think you two would still be together?” Justin asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “But he didn’t and even years later when I gave him every opportunity in the world to make it right between us, he still didn’t come back.”
“Because he didn’t want to share you with me,” Justin said. “Fine let me ask you another question, if back then or even now James said he would be with you but you had to choose him over me. Would you?” he asked.
“No. I’ll always choose you,” I said without hesitation.
“Then can you blame him for not coming after you?”
“No,” I sighed.
“Look Ann I am going to tell you this not to hurt you, but because you deserve to know. He loved. He probably still does. He will probably spend the rest of his life following your website wishing things had turned out different. You broke his heart when you married, Kristopher.”
“He married Nicki way before I married Kristopher!” I stated.
“Yes, but you married Kristopher Hall of all the people in this world you could have married.”
“Oh please don’t start on your whole ‘why the hell did you marry him’ rant again!” I exclaimed.
“Look Ann my point, he loved you. You loved him but at the end of the day it’s like Timothy and I – it will never work. So let it go, finish the book and move on,” Justin stated.
“And what about Bobby Blue?” I asked.
“What about him? Did you love him?”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “But he was good to me despite everything, and I can’t bring myself to tell him in a book my true feelings. He doesn’t deserve to open the pages of Affair of the Mind to read that the entire three years we were together I never truly loved him the way he loved me.”
“Then tell him in person. He does still live in Lakeworth right?” Justin asked.
“Oh yeah, that’s going to go over real well. Last time I talked to him was in 2009 when I told him the whole schizophrenic story and that he didn’t stand a chance running for City Council.”
“Well he doesn’t stand a chance running for city council,” Justin laughed. “Look Ann, you can either write it down in the pages of a novel and let him read it, or you can call him and tell him the truth.”
“Do you know how many lies I told him? Half of our relationship was nothing but a lie! And you’re saying that five years later I should just pick up that phone, call him and tell him the truth. What if he doesn’t believe me?” I asked.
“You’re writing a book based on your life that a good 99.9% aren’t going to believe. It doesn’t matter if he believes you or not. All that matters is that you told the truth. It’s not up to you to make him believe it. Tell him the truth. Tell him the truth to part 2. He deserves to know the truth.”
“You know this book is becoming a real pain in my ass!” I exclaimed.
“Hey it was your idea not mine. I was totally happy with laying low, living off my millions of dollars and never speaking of Lakeworth again,” he laughed.
“Whatever! I’m going to go stare at Chapter 37 and find a way to write about having sex with James Black.”
“Haha!” Justin laughed. “You have fun with that. Tell your husband I said hi by the way.”
“Why would I tell my husband you said hi?” I asked.
“Because one day me and him are going to have to have a nice long chat. You’re right I can’t hate your choice in men forever. Later!” Justin said hanging up the phone.
1 Hour Later
“I take it back,” I said as he answered the phone with a ‘hello.’
“Take what back?” Justin asked.
“I didn’t love him,” I replied.
“You didn’t love James Black?” he questioned looking for clarification.
“No,” I sighed. “Don’t get me wrong he is one of the most romantic people I have ever dated. I don’t think any other person has spoiled me with as expensive and as lavish of gifts as he did, but no I didn’t love him. James is right – he wasn’t you. I fell for James because it brought me closer to you. Being with James Black meant being with you. I love you,” I said.
There was silence on the other end.
“Having sex with James Black was amazing. Don’t get me wrong. When I had sex with you there was no emotion involved. It was just sex. Sex with James was different. It was magical. It was everything I wanted, but it wasn’t you. I think I imagined in my head for so many years this perfect life where I married James and you married Timothy. We all lived in this beautiful mansion together. I would bare kids for you and Timothy and then James and I would have a couple of our own. In my mind that was the fantasy, and by dating James I thought I could have that. At the end of the day though, no I was not in love with him. It was never him. It was always you and it always will be,” I explained.
“You do love your husband right?” Justin finally asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Your husband! You’re not just married to him because he’s the next best thing?”
“Do you want to know how I know I’m in love with Kristopher?” I asked annoyed at his question. “Do you want to know the difference between Kris and the others?”
“Yes, please enlighten me.”
“I don’t scream your name when I fuck him,” I said in a cold manner.
“Wow!” Justin exclaimed. “Wow!” he repeated.
“And when I’m with him, it’s not you I’m thinking of. Yes, I am in love with my husband. The question of if I was or not never once crossed my mind.”
“But you weren’t in love with James or Bobby Blue?”
“No,” I answered. “Because every time – every single time – I was with them, I wished it was you …”
Silence
“Do you want to know how I know I love Elliot?” Justin finally asked.
“How?”
“I don’t scream the name Timothy every time we fuck,” Justin said.
“Wow!” I laughed. “We are totally fucked up aren’t we?”
“Beyond fucked up Ms. Mathews!” he laughed in return.
After the Affair
Coming Soon – soon meaning in 20 years because I have YET to finish An Affair of the Mindwhich is the series BEFORE After the Affair but whatever
Click here to read more of this series
The Breakdown of the Pebble
Written in January of 2004
Crying in your arms tonight
I’ll pretend everything is all right
I don’t know how much more I can take
I don’t know how much more we can stand to break
Falling down into a world of pain
We’ll let ourselves get hurt with his stab
We’ll not look back this time
This will never be over any night
Another day, another routine
I said a year ago this would never come to be
But now it seems to be our whole life
I cry in your arms make this all go away today
Tears fall into a pile of drops
Blood pours down our heads
The day we run away I cry and pray to you at night
Help me, pray for me
I am stuck here with no way out
Stranded on a desert island
You are my only hope
Stay with me through this fight
We’ll break through some how
We’ll fight this war
It’s the only thing worth fighting for
But I Don’t Want Your Face On My Facebook
“What?” I asked annoyed crossing my arms across my chest.
“Why are we meeting here again?” he asked confused sitting down in the booth across from me.
“Because I have guests,” I sighed.
“Right,” he laughed. ”And how are those guests working out for you?”
“Fuck off Lenox,” I said with an eye roll.
“Hey I was just asking,” he laughed. ”So did you sign it?”
“Yeah,” I said handing him the paper work.
“Thank you,” he said. ”So when do we go public with our news?”
“Public?” I asked staring back at him with a look of confusion and shock.
“Oh come on Ann Mathews! You have wanted nothing more than to plaster my picture all over your facebook for years! I think today is the day we make our relationship known to the world,” he smiled handing me a photo of us. ”This one is my favorite.”
“No!” I exclaimed pushing the photo back into his face.
“Um, excuse me?” he asked in shock. ”For over ten years you have wanted nothing more than to go and change your facebook profile picture to me and you. So here I am telling you it’s okay, handing you the photo and you’re in return telling me no?”
“That is correct,” I replied.
“You know as well as I do that we can hide a lot of shit. Hell me and you can get away with murder, but this is not something we can get away with.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“You’re serious?” he asked. ”Okay wow! Hold up! Did I miss something? Did something change between us? What the hell is going on?”
“Look Justin, you’re the one thing in my life that is mine. It may sound selfish and fucked up, but you are mine! You’re my secret, and I don’t know I guess I just don’t want that to change.”
“Well .. umm,” he said at a loss for words. ”You know we can’t keep doing this, right?” Justin asked.
“I know, but until the day comes when we absolutely have to tell the world the truth, I think I’d prefer to just keep me and you between just me and you,” I replied.
“Hm,” he said with a smile. ”You’re defiantly not the Ann Mathews I knew ten years ago.”
“And you are for sure not the Justin Lenox I knew ten years ago either.”
After the Affair
Coming Soon – soon meaning in 20 years because I have YET to finish An Affair of the Mind which is the series BEFORE After the Affair but whatever
Click here to read more of this series
Keeping Your Mouth Shut In A Pond Full of Liars
The saying goes “if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Another saying I have learned throughout the years is “if you don’t have proof of wrong doing keep your mouth shut until you do.”
Corruption is the word I wish to discuss today. It takes me back to the Part 1 of Affair of the Mind Days when an 18 year old boy could control a couple judges in the town of Lakeworth to obtain false restraining orders and arrest reports. You all do know Affair of the Mind Part 1 is based on real life events of which 95% is true? Right?
I had a conversation the other day with the infamous Justin Lenox who asked “after how many years have you not learned that the good guys don’t win?” The conversation reminded me of the episode this week of Once Upon A Time where Snow White is starting to realize that the good guys don’t win because her entire life she has been one of the good guys and evil has always seemed to triumph in the end. The conversation also reminded me of yesterday’s Board of Supervisor Meeting in which the now x Library Director Krol got up and had the courage to speak the truth to the newly elected Supervisors only to find herself without a job for doing so. Kudos to Dr. Krol by the way.
My point is – the good guys don’t wind and evil always triumphs.
If you don’t have proof of wrong doing, you might want to keep your mouth shut until you do. For example, in Part 1 of AOTM, who ended up behind bars? Not the guy who dealt drugs and possibly committed a murder? Nope. It was the girl who tried to tell the authorities of wrong doings she had no proof of.
So what is the point of this blog you ask and where are you going with this?
Well the thing about being me is I know things I just can’t prove them. Maybe that’s why I throw all the corruption and evil triumphs into a book and call it Affair of the Mind. If you can’t prove it, at least it makes for a good story at the end of the day. And that is exactly what I plan to do with the knowledge I have.
Evil always triumphs but that doesn’t mean the good guys should back down from the fight.
HB 2004 – Payback As a Bitch.
Here’s a little political and Affair of the Mind (AOTM) humor all rolled into one for you! Enjoy!!
I love karma (except when it happens to me) – I really do. You all should take a look at HB2004 that was introduced in the Arizona State legislature this past week. It states and I quote:
A. A PERSON COMMITS ONLINE IMPERSONATION IF THE PERSON, WITHOUT OBTAINING THE OTHER PERSON’S CONSENT AND WITH THE INTENT TO HARM, DEFRAUD, INTIMIDATE OR THREATEN ANY PERSON, USES THE NAME OR PERSONA OF ANOTHER PERSON TO DO EITHER OF THE FOLLOWING:
1. CREATE A WEB PAGE ON A COMMERCIAL SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE OR OTHER INTERNET WEBSITE.
2. POST OR SEND ONE OR MORE MESSAGES ON OR THROUGH A COMMERCIAL SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE OR OTHER INTERNET WEBSITE, OTHER THAN ON OR THROUGH AN ELECTRONIC MAIL PROGRAM OR MESSAGE BOARD PROGRAM.
I know half of you have no idea why I am saying “payback is a bitch” simply because you haven’t finished reading Affair of the Mind, but payback is a bitch. Looks like our dear friend Mr. Jeffery (or Lenox or Justin or just J or Fuck Nut or Elliot or whatever the hell name he decides to go by these days) has to stop his little online game of pretending to be someone he is not to fuck with them (and when I say fuck – pardon my language – I do mean sexually and mentally). Yes Mr. Lenox – payback is a royal bitch isn’t it! However you are Lenox and you will find a way to bypass the rules like always, but when I saw the context of HB 2004 – it did bring a smile to my face and a good chuckle.
I know what you are all saying ‘wait I thought you two were friends again after the whole he black mailed me to have our kid, we lost baby, tried to kidnap me for marrying his x lovers lover, blah blah blah.’ Well we are (sort of – read After the Affair whenever it’s published) but let’s just say we have an I love you and I hate you sort of partnership. Whenever I get the opportunity to laugh and say – haha karma is a bitch – I take it.
So to my State Representatives I say – please vote yes on HB 2004 simply so I can get a good laugh.
Ps – the context of the post relates to the characters and story line of AOTM – I highly suggest you read it if you have no idea what I speak of
Read MoreYou Asked For It – The 2012 Review & Beyond
And here it is the 2010 – 2012 End of the Year Review …
Well sort of … not really! Let me explain:
It was January 17th, 2012. The day prior I had just gone through my former best friends room; packing away her stuff and putting it into boxes so my mother-in-law (Debbie – I think I shall call her Mommy #2) could clean the room out and make way for Dusty and Tina’s arrival the beginning of February. While going through Brooke’s stuff, I found it. The official 2009 un-editied copy of my End of the Year Review. It was and still is by far the most controversial review/blog entry I have ever written. I have been asked before if what I wrote was the truth? I will say this – yes.
That was the last End of the Year Review I ever wrote. No review was ever written for 2010 nor 2011. The honest reason why? I didn’t want to remember the years. Ironic huh? The girl who blogs her entire life on a website for the purpose of being able to look back and reflect on it years later for once didn’t want to remember. I can’t say 2010 and 2011 were even that bad of a year. I got married in 2010 and moved one too many times in 2011. In all out honesty they weren’t bad years at all compared to prior years. They weren’t even that dramatic. When you take Jared and murder, drugs, sex, lies and a baby and compare it to 2010 and 2011 both of those years were the image of perfection. They weren’t filled with all this drama, they weren’t filled with lies being made up to create some wacko story line for Affair of the Mind, and they weren’t even that controversial. So why didn’t I want to sit down and write the reviews? What was so horrible in those two years I don’t want to remember?
I don’t really think it comes down to what is so horrible about the years. I think my life changed drasticly in 2010. I lost a best friend, a child, gained a husband, and was faced with issues I had only been faced with in some fictional, made up story line Jared and I created for seven years. For once in my life, my life was NOT centered on Affair of the Mind. I had real drama to deal with. Not that half of what Jared and I went through wasn’t real, but for the couple years prior to 2009 – it wasn’t. There was no car accident, David didn’t die, I wasn’t a paranoid schizo, and no one ever attempted to murder Jared. I made it up. But now here I was in 2010. I was faced with actual death, actual problems and actual circumstances that were not being created in my head to be inserted into some story I was writing. These were actual problems! Actual people! Actual choices I had to make!
That’s what made 2010 and 2011 different. It wasn’t about Jared anymore. Granted I still to this day have my “Jared & Sarah” drama, but for once it WASN’T all about him which is something I don’t think either one of us knew how to fully comprehend.
2012 was supposed to change EVERYTHING! May 2012 was supposed to be the completion of Affair of the Mind. Not just Part 1 but all 3 parts. The truth was to be revealed. What REALLY REALLY REALLY happened the night of March 23rd, 2003 that made two people create a story of murder and drugs to tell people to make them believe it really happened? 2012 was supposed to reveal EVERYTHING. Truth was finally supposed to be separate from fiction but 2012 has come and gone and Part 1 is still five chapters away from completion. Best friends don’t talk anymore, lovers found out the truth of their love was all in their head, and babies didn’t cry.
There is no 2010, 2011 OR 2012 End of the Year Review. Some stories are better left for the pages of a novel and one day when friends can sit down and be civil, and two x lovers can have coffee within the walls of Target and when babies cries do fill a room – then will the truth be revealed. But for now – the world is not ready to read the story of Ann Mathews and Justin Lenox. One day I’ll finish it but that day is not today.
So for now you all will just have to keep on guessing because some secrets really are better left unsaid.
With that I hope you all have a WONDERFUL New Year.
I have many plans I wish to accomplish in 2013. I’m not saying I’m going to because let’s face it my 2012 goals totally fell short this year but I’ll make the list anyway. Who knows – maybe 2013 will be THE YEAR. : ) You never know.
Goals for 2013:
- Loose weight – like 10 pounds! I WILL DO IT DAMN IT!
- Save $$ – I want a good $2500 in savings by this time next year
- Learn to play the guitar (it’s a work in progress)
- Get back into writing and blogging (maybe I’ll start a new FICTIONAL story)
- Write in my FB once a day so I can go back to being the ‘girl who documents every inch of her life online’
- Go visit Corys family and even my real mother
- Watch the ball drop from New York City IN PERSON next year (hell yeah)
- Go out more and be more sociable
- Be more organized (Windows 8 is helping with that)
- Be a better wife to Cory and more understanding
I’m sure there is more but that is all for now.
Alright going to the movies with the Fam at noon. So if I don’t talk to u before tomorrow – HAPPY NEW YEAR and may 2013 be awesome!
I Shall Never Understand …
Maybe I was never meant to understand people. Jar always said “I over analyze people too much” and I do suppose he is right. I’ve always been that person who would sit there and go ‘why are you the way you are’ because I always had the assumption that there had to be a reason or a life changing event that made you that way. While I do still believe that to be true I suppose the reality of it all is that I shall never know.
I shall never fully understand how Jar can still be madly in love with a guy who only helped him out because he was ‘high’ and how he cannot let it go. But then again – I was the girl who was in love with her gay best friend and didn’t let it go. So maybe I get it – a little. But truth – he was ‘high’ and the guy your with now (granted your relationship probably will never get over the whole ‘losing baby/jail’ thing) he wasn’t ‘high’ when he said “I love you”.
I shall never fully understand the story behind Robi and Jason. There’s a story! There’s a secret – a major secret that Robi took to his grave and Jason will so do the same. I shall never know it and no matter how many scenarios I wrack up in my brain to put into Affair of the Mind the point being – whatever happened is six feet underground.
I shall never understand people who devote their lives to drug and alcohol and abandon their children.
I shall never understand the mother who puts so much energy into fighting her children’s battles. They will never grow up and will never learn if Mommy Dearest is always ‘saving’ them (yes I am talking about you Boshaftes-Eye)
I shall never understand people like Mr.Stevenson who makes it his lifelong goal to cause problems and issues for people he dislikes (oh wait I have done that before haven’t I? Hmmm …). He doesn’t even pay property taxes yet he sure knows how to bitch about them. In fact, he likes to bitch about things that really are of no concern to him what-so-ever. I shall never understand ….
I shall never understand why people don’t grasp that Prop 401 IS the lesser of two evils and pass or fail – the County will still limit u to four animals and if you want five you need a permit. Pass or fail – it’s still law.
I supposed I shall just never understand people so maybe I do over analyze. Maybe I should just STOP caring. Right?
But the truth of the matter is – I do care.
I do still sit here day after day and think of him and wonder if he will EVER truly EVER love somebody the way I know he dreams of in his mind. I am the hypocrite who will tell him to ‘move on’ ‘let it go’ when I sit here day after day and wonder what we could have done different to get a different ending to our story.
I shall always forever and ever wonder and ponder and analyze and think and ponder and … well you get the point – what is the true story behind Joseph Scott and Josh Randolph (character names). I shall always wonder. In fact, I shall always wonder if some part of AOTM Part 2 IS true. Maybe there really was some love story gone wrong between Joey and Josh which in turned cause the breakup of not only Danny and Josh but Kris and him as well. I shall always wonder.
I probably after a while will not care nor think of Boshaftes-Eye and what she does with her children. She is rather strange though and her parenting skills I shall always question. Even if I have no right to or not. It’s a free country!
I shall always shake my head and mumble under my breath how idiotic Mr. Stevenson is. Maybe one day he’ll get bored of fighting other peoples battles and start to care about his own ‘situation’ but hey what do I know. Right?
And I shall always wonder about people and why they chose drugs and alcohol over their own kids. I shall never understand but I shall always ponder.
And lastly – even if it fails – I shall always say I voted yes on Prop 401.
Oh wait one more last thing – almost forgot – I shall never understand why people like Ms. Fremont and Gould hate me so much because I had sexual relations with a woman and enjoyed it! It’s my life and if I want to go out and have sex with women – then I will. GET OVER IT!!
I’m Sarah and if I didn’t over analyze people and situations (that I guess are none of my concern so maybe that makes me no better than Mr. Stevenson but hey at least I’m not 40 something and still being a childish immature brat) I wouldn’t be me.
Anyway moving on ….
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Coming Soon - read and view photos, blogs, and videos from the years 1999-2010 (formally known as SarahMarkham.Com)
